This blog post could also be appropriately titled: I Just Ate A Chicken Patty By Itself While I Was Crying at YouTube Comments and It May Have Been A Little Bit Frozen: Tales from Lonely Los Angeles
I was devastated the day I found out Truffula trees weren’t real. Life is hard.
I’m in L.A. again! I’m here working on my record with the best humans in the music industry. Best, meaning music-wise, and also people-y-wise.
I’ve had the pleasure to spend time with Eric Rosse, Benny Cassette, and Mozella while we’re working on my upcoming album. I love them. I love them and writing music with them has never been more fun or important. I was so scared to co-write; for a long time I believed the only way I could write music was if I was on a manic binge without sleep, chain-smoking in the kitchen…
On the whole, it was a relatively good year. What has me in such an unsettled state is that everything in my life is moving. My basic observations of life include the idea that, if I have even one single stationary point to anchor myself to, I will feel secure. At present, I lack this.
That said: DW begins intensive therapy next week, The Keeper returns from time away with her loved ones, DW’s mom and elder daughter are in town, new social avenues are becoming available…. the list goes on and on.
In the long term, 2014 will likely see Princess Toddlerpants going to preschool. It may even be the case that I am able to go back to school myself. I will likely undergo surgery to correct a sinus issue which keeps me sick and short of breath…. In the extreme, I suppose it’s even possible that 2014 will be the year I complete my surgical transition.
The spring brings with it the chance that I may go to Yosemite. This will be a profound moment in the story of my year. I feel that I can do more healing and feeling and learning and connecting in that space than any other.
I’ve been hard at work living in my own head, readying myself for major changes which I still can’t predict. I can say that 2013 was about learning to be stronger, smarter, and indeed much more wise. Many of these lessons were hard to accept, and a long time coming. I have learned about the power of taking no action. I have learned about taking the right action at the right time. I know how to be a ferocious advocate for myself. I see myself as the matron, and I stand equal to the tests of a sage, and seasoned woman.
And, I can tell you that all of these things will be important very early in this new year. The least likely possible outcome for January is a lack of fundamental changes.
None of this, mind you, is about any resolution or such notion. It just so happens that the machinery which will drive 2014 is already warmed up.
There’s a lot that could be terrifying, and a lot that could go very very wrong. But, with every chance for disaster, there is a chance of triumph!
Whomever gets to date the 2014 model Lauren is in for a treat. My maturity and patience have improved, I no longer NEED to be in a relationship. I’m as attentive and affectionate as ever. I have a much better relationship with my body.
…I’m excited to see what happens.
Be well, my loves!
Love yourself and let yourself be loved
MWAH!!
There’s a lot that’s changed… and a lot that hasn’t.
DW is out on medical leave in order to make progress toward improving her Depression and Fibromyalgia symptoms.
The Keeper is going through an unnecessarily hard breakup with her Girlfriend.
I saw Mary Lambert for a second time.
I pondered sexual misconduct, and decided that I probably have some sharing to do with you.
Lots of social issues were fought over.
I skipped TDoR again.
I had a Twitter exchange with Janet Mock.
I made Facebook friends with an old friend of mine whose suicide attempt I became involved in undoing.
The flock of hot lesbians has met twice more.
I’ve gotten a few minor nibbles on the dating site, but nothing that materialized. Dating is less of a priority than simply being social in one capacity or another.
I’ve done a lot of flirting, and a lot of flirting has been done with me. I feel really good about what I have to offer in that regard. It does trouble me somewhat that I don’t have a romantic or physical relationship right now, in that, it’s the one thing I feel absolutely confident about.
I bought scandalous new clothes that make me look like a billboard for sex. I’m really falling in love with my body.
I dyed a rainbow into my hair.
I got Princess Toddlerface a second hand stroller to replace the one that disappeared from Disneyland. It is now customized to be purple with silver glitter.
I had a cancer scare. (I’m fine… benign cyst)
Those are the items for the quiz. I may fill in details, but I am back in a living my life phase, and sometimes that comes at the expense of writing about it.
My Twitter feed has been brutal tonight! One of my dear sisters is being evicted from her home by a transphobic landlord. People are hurting and anxious. People can’t sleep.
…and another of my dear sisters is at war with everyone.
Being a person without cis-priviledge is hard. At many times, it can feel like the entire world is in on some fantastically elaborate plan to harm us. What I regret so deeply is that many of us get so used to the fight, that we know no other way.
Such was the case tonight, when an ally was coming to the community to be affirmed for her work on Trans* Awareness Week as part of her college’s LGBTQIA+ alliance. When someone performs an act of service, there is a sort of implied exchange. This ally was wanting to be thanked in return for her work. Gratitude is a very reasonable exchange, and many of us were happy to give it.
But, surely as I sit here, there seems to always be someone who wants a fight. So, my dear sister brought her fight to the doorstep of our ally. She took exception to the ally’s choice of the word “nifty” to describe the work she was doing. My dear sister did not believe that word should be included anywhere in a conversation which also addressed transphobia and violence.
To be clear, in no possible interpretation was the ally saying that violence was nifty. But my dear sister, presumably so deeply entrenched in fighting with every person and every institution, in public and in private, each day and each night scolded and bullied the poor ally in such a way as to bring shame on us all.
In this world, there are those who need to be thanked for their help and solidarity…
There are those needing gentle and kind corrections of their misconceptions…
And, yes, there are those who deserve the full weight of our refusal to back down.
As a marginalized group, we must pay close attention to which person we are addressing at any given time. Know your history, my loves. While progress is moving more swiftly than at any other time, we remain in the Booker T. Washington part of our fight. We must not prove ourselves to be as our detractors portray us. We must use our lives to embody the best in our community.
It is an unfair burden, to be sure. But when you open your mouth to speak, do so knowing that you hold the power to make life better or worse for every other person like you. Speak of love for the oppressed. Speak not of hate for the oppressor. Unleash the deep humanity of forgiveness, in all its transformative power. See in your oppressor the potential for compassion.
…and yes, if they fail to provide such compassion, demand it!
Demand it until the last vile drop of this sickening hatred and fear is driven from our good world.
Care for yourselves, care for one another, and make love your weapon of choice.
The Keeper gets Trans* Visibility Week rolling by linking the story of a performance artist, and his protest aimed at shining a light on Russian social issues. ***story depicts nudity and self-mutilation.***
This seems like the perfect way to enter into this important week.
I say that, not because the Moscow protest had to do with trans* issues, but that it is an illustration of just how much some people seem to understand the deadliness of silence.
For context, two transwomen, Melony Smith and Domonique Newbury were killed in Southern California over the last year. For a community this size, that’s a huge number! …and, both of them were ethnic minorities, which is a huge factor in one’s likelihood to be a victim of violence.
Political progress in places like Colorado and California has made issues of Trans* rights very visible, and so the opposition has become similarly visible. What that actually means is that there is progress, but it can certainly feel like a very scary additional microscope to suddenly be under.
So, that’s visibility… the purifying sunlight which serves as the vehicle for the survival of a group. This principle can be applied individually as well. Part of my growth and wellness require that I be open and honest about things like my mental state.
That came into sharp focus Thursday, when my months of trying to be “strong” and make it through life with an insufficient safety net exploded into an afternoon of getting desperately needed visibility from The Keeper.
I have moments like that. The one before this was in April. At that point, I just cried for an entire day and listened to Mary Lambert. Sometimes carrying one’s own weight is simply too much. What is important about that, is that we need to let people see that we hurt and struggle in order for them to help us bear the burden of such times.
For those living with depression, invisibility can be fatal.
Be honest with yourself about how things are really going. Find someone to trust, and share the complete truth. We aren’t meant to do this alone, and I hope you never feel that have to.
There’s a lot going on in transphobia and rape culture right now. Frankly, I am finding it all a bit overwhelming. I was planning to link it all for you, but I don’t even want to do that.
If you’re lucky enough not to have read all the garbage, you may do just as well to sit this news cycle out.
…or, “How The Keeper and USC Girl have ruined everything”
A couple of days ago, I got a message on the dating site saying that someone had selected me as a person of interest. I wrote her a pleasant note, which she replied to, and things were off to a fast start.
Already, I am feeling like this is too easy. I told DW last night “The new girl is not asking enough questions.” One example is that there was no conversation about my status after I came out to her. To my thinking, it makes sense to ask questions like “Is there anything that I need to be doing to be respectful of, or sensitive to that issue?” That didn’t happen. For all I know, she isn’t even aware of what trans* means.
…and, she’s never been with a girl.
She’s recently divorced, and is distinctly not looking for anything serious. I’m fine with that. It would take a lot to get me to be serious about anyone but the most exceptional people right now. Honestly, just being in the outer social orbits of USC Girl (whom I may begin to call ChattingAboutHeidegger… thoughts?) and The Keeper has my want for people of substance pretty well satisfied.
I just need some freaking contact! Sex would be magnificent, but just being held, and cuddled would fill a huge empty place in my life.
I can tell you that she is …um…very actively exploring her freedom as a single person. I have a couple of concerns for that, and they are health related.
so…there’s that.
And, while easy to talk to, she isn’t a person with whom I feel I can have particularly meaningful conversation.
So, what do you think? Meet her and hope for uncommitted fun time, or take a pass and wait for someone with more potential?
I was devastated the day I found out Truffula trees weren’t real. Life is hard. 
serialnonconformist 