After a long summer and fall of radio silence, I realize that I am likely talking into a soup can whose string has come untied, but this is all really for me to try to work it all out anyway…. So, here I am.
One of the reasons I have been less bloggish is that I met someone. I met someone, and didn’t want to curse it by writing about her. That has seemed to spell doom before. I have managed to keep you for myself, and not link her in, as I so often have, despite knowing better.
She needs a name. Darling Hot Mess (DHM)
So, DHM and I met on the dating site, and began emailing about the time of my last most. She is sweet and caring and sexy. But, she is a complete train wreck. There are advantages to this: I certainly see myself as a train wreck, so it’s nice to feel like we are on an even playing field.
DHM struggles with DID/MPD (Dissociative Identity Disorder/ Multiple Personality Disorder) That is to say, I take her word for it when she says that she does. I am not sure if she has a formal diagnosis. Her backstory is that she was prostituted by her father as a teenager. Her family disavow this, and have estranged themselves from her as a result of what they deem her lies on the subject. This poses a challenge to me… because, that’s what a family might do if she had indeed, made all of this up…. But, it’s also what they might say if she hadn’t. I didn’t make up my abuse, but I had people betray me and call me a liar too.
So, there’s all that. Which might not matter at all. DHM is seven years my junior, and a new mom. She is not an intellectual juggernaut, and I frequently find myself embarrassed when she opens her mouth among our circle of friends. She is, in many ways, the antithesis of DW, who is quite smart, but has no real ability to connect or empathize.
We see each other very infrequently, but touch base almost every day. We haven’t really explored a physical relationship as yet, but have talked a lot about it. I am moving very slowly. I think I’m actually quite afraid to give that power away. DW has all but taken away the MAJOR part of my identity that has to do with me being a sexual creature. This came into focus most recently when I was trying to decide on which sexy stockings to buy, and DW really couldn’t even see me as sexy in the abstract. In fairness, she is working on a lot of stuff (she’s in therapy now.) But, it has a way of really stealing one’s sexual prowess and confidence when it is so utterly impossible to be seen as alluring.
DHM came to the rescue, and did the obligatory jaw-drop on contemplating the idea. That shored things up. So, I mean… she’s good for me. She is wildly inconsistent in her emotional and actual availability to me, though. So, she is good for me on her schedule. And, that’s pretty problematic. It does serve to slow down my infatuation process, though… and, that may be a good thing.
I have no real expectation that I will still be talking about her in a year… but, stranger things have happened.
I think the best hope for the two of us is as very secondary secondaries with a healthy sexual component.
I’m not desperately hitting up the website to try to find others, but I have my radar on and I’m watching carefully.
I am (as is DHM) part of a wonderful L/B/Q women’s poly group in LA.
I continue to occasionally visit West Hollywood for the Saturday night happenings at my favorite gay watering hole. I got to meet another real hero of mine, Calpernia Addams. Calpernia is a trans activist, and a really wonderful entertainer. She puts on the Saturday show I attend. Frequently joining her is another real sweetheart, and incredible entertainer, Lady Red Couture.
The little one is becoming less little. We visit Disneyland routinely. She loves the characters, and that really warms my heart. It would certainly be nice to be able to don the costume again, and interact with her in that capacity. But, I will leave it to this generation of “Pageant Helpers” to carry on the great tradition.
I will try to be less of a stranger, but I will say, being too busy to blog is not a bad way to be.
Be well, my loves!