Guilt subsiding

This is probably going to be a short one, but I am largely writing to a future self to say that I hope I can discontinue the cycle of guilt that drives me to continue to subject myself to people and behaviors which to not contribute to my wellness.

Love you, people

Love you, future self



My person

So, last night I did it.  I laid it all out there for DC.  I told her that, while I had been trying to manage my feelings the best I could, I was falling in love with her.  I told her that I did not have to act on it, but it was the only truth that could ever be.  She let me know that she did not share my feelings.  We agreed that we would view each other as very dear friends.  It seems that we have taken to calling each other “My person.”

I think I underestimated how vital the ‘best friend’ or ‘sister’ role was.  I think I also overestimated how much DW was filling that role.  I really do feel like she is relegated to the ‘partner’ role.  …and that is not to say life partner, as some lesbians say ‘partner’ to indicate their spouse-type person.  I mean more like business partner.  Lauren & DW LLP.

Our purpose is to provide for the common good of the household and raise babykiddo… nothing more, nothing less.  That doesn’t even really upset me anymore.  I am fairly sure it is time for her to simply stop trying to be my spouse.  (To the extent I think she’s trying at all.)  Any work done has been to simply spin in circles…in order to make progress, you have to just stand up and be bold and proclaim to the universe that you are making a change… She will make what changes she will when and if she decides to… I hope she does, her wellness seems to depend on it.

At any rate, a chapter in my time with DC has come to an end, and I am no longer chasing what I cannot have with her.  I am very glad to have her in place in the best friend role, in part because I want to have someone to share my joy with when I do find someone.

Which brings me to my next point.  You need to know a new character.  San Diego Breathtaker.  She and I have been corresponding online for a few weeks.  She has voiced a potential concern about how sex will go with a TG woman, as she was not able to make that work previously.  She wants to give it a try anyway, and I am all too happy to oblige.

More to follow, I’m sure… these are all very much in-progress subjects.

Be well, my loves!


Unhappy routine

It’s become my pattern over.. well, years… to stay up into the wee hours of the morning just so as not to have to lie next to DW expecting to experience anything resembling affection. It makes me sad. I don’t want to be up. Goodness knows I desperately need the sleep. It just hurts less to miss out on much of the useful part of a night’s sleep than it does to feel like a bother in my own bed. I have very seriously contemplated taking up refuge in Babykiddo’s room from now on. I just don’t like the signal that sends: that I have given up. I suppose I have given up… I gave up on thinking I can ever really get what I need from this marriage. But, I feel endlessly driven to try to at least do what she needs… and so it goes, on this night, and most others… that I mindlessly check and re-check the same posts on Facebook until I can no longer bear the weight of my eyelids.

I keep trying to find that thing that will be impressive enough to make her really think I’m wonderful, and express that to me. Tonight, I tried to get her settled on a digital piano. Surely, a multi-hundred dollar gizmo would make her love me! Just like the iPad did… oh, wait. I barely got a polite “thank you” for that.

I am an idiot.

New readers

Jsoddlebird has joined our readership.  Everyone say hello!  This is one of several newcomers to the tribe.  I would love it if everyone took a moment to give a brief intro…. Could you do that for me?

Also, Jsoddlebird… I am not sure I know who you are.

An interesting week

I am not sure what any of this means.  Perhaps you would all be so good as to help interpret.  Now, for your approval, a simple rundown of the week that was.

I think the first thing to happen following my last post was that I met up with a lady whom I met on a dating website.  She and I very quickly arrived at the common ground of needing a cuddle-buddy in our interactions online.  I think we were trading phone numbers within the first three or four messages.  We met for lunch, and then I brought her back to the apartment, at the last minute accommodation of DW.

She stayed for a number of hours, and things progressed quickly.  It was immediately clear that this was not going to be a cuddle-buddy, but more a friend-with-benefits (FWB).  But that is often a bad omen with me… the sooner I have sex with someone, the less invested it means I am in the relationship.  I often wait weeks or even months with those I have very high aspirations with.  I am honestly not sure what I want from this new relationship.  The sex was very good, but I do not see any potential for a meaningful romance.

FWB is a very nice person, but I have concerns about her being too flighty… and, frankly too easy.  I am not sure I have ever had that feeling before… of someone seeming to be too agreeable to sex.  I am VERY agreeable to sex.  But, I like to also have lots of information in advance.  This seemed to proceed to a sexual place without a plan for that.  I really should just shut up and enjoy the fact that I finally had spontaneous sex… but I think the control freak in me won’t let it go that easily.

I saw DC again this week.  We have a steady once or twice weekly schedule now.  It is clear and explicit that she likes me a great deal.  But, I remain convinced of her steadfast belief in me being only a friend, despite how desperately I wish for more.  She confounds things with FWB somewhat, because she is the ever-present contrast to the fun and lightweight nature of casual sex.  I really long for that intense romantic connection, but I really doubt I will find it reciprocated by DC.  Despite her apparent absence of romantic intentions, she really has made my life fuller and richer.

We got to spend time with my dear friend and high school sweetheart over the weekend.  She has a four-year-old that had fun playing with babykiddo and stepkiddo.  I watched the three of them while she accompanied DW to my awesome find: ‘the rubby place’ which is an affordable massage spa.  I went to rubby place with DC last week, and we both agreed it needed to be a regular thing!

This week finds me sick.  DW and babykiddo seem to have it too.  It’s another of the delights of stepkiddo’s visits: she almost always brings us some illness.  Fortunately, it’s not a very violent sickness, but we all seem to want to sleep all day.

Had a lovely chat with Mr. and Mrs. BE a few nights back.  They are planning a summer visit.  They are readers, so I am always cognizant of how I speak of readers.  I do miss them a great deal.  …I’m really not sure what to expect from the visit.  They are both all 31 flavors of sexy, and flirting with them is tons of fun!  I should take a cue from my time with FWB and just pounce on them.  (sound of teenage giggling)

What else….. OH!

My oldest friend wants to have lunch.  I have literally known her since knowing someone was possible.  We lived on the same street growing up, and she is about three weeks my senior.  I am excited for that, and have some sense of what to expect, despite the many years since I saw her last.  She has been very supportive of me through transition, and has offered many affirmative statements of my apparent gender in very early years.

Off to bed for now… DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS!

Let me know what you think I should do from here… especially if you have a sense of a plan for DC.  She continues to be my favorite dilemma.

Also, slave boy to visit in the coming weeks, after having to cancel last weekend.  Thoughts on him??


Love you all!



Specificity when addressing the universe

So, I’ve been asking for a long time… as many of you have been reading about, to have someone in my life who was simply a giant beating heart.  I fear that I was not specific enough in this request.  What I should have said is that I want to meet this fairy-tale princess, and have her fall madly in love with me.

Disney Crush is exactly the Fairy-tale princess I was asking for, but she (understandably) doesn’t feel as though a poly relationship is a good fit for her.  This is my pattern… to find these incredibly caring people, and fall head-over-heels for them only to find that the love is not shared.  At least to say, it is not shared in the same form.

My dear departed best-friend was the best example of this.  She was my dearest and closest friend, but she was also someone whom I was utterly in love with.  I remember her asking me the day before my first wedding if I was ready to marry my first wife.  Without skipping a beat, I replied “I can’t wait for you forever.”  She knew I was in love with her.. she knew because I told her so.  Our relationship changed significantly after I told her the truth.  The incredible weight of aching to have her love me was lessened.  She shot me down kindly, but unequivocally.  In leaving no hope, we went about our relationship with sort of an understood stratification.  She knew I was in love with her, and I knew she was not in love with me… and we both knew this wouldn’t change.

All this said, if it appears things were completely solved in simply acknowledging these truths, that is not accurate.  It was agony.  Thinking about her, talking to her, spending time with her… it was terrible!  It felt like an elephant sitting on my chest, this longing… this emptiness.  I knew that, if I could just figure out how to make her love me, it would be all that I needed to be happy.  …That may not have actually been so, mind you, but it sure feels that way when you’re in love, doesn’t it?

So, that’s the parallel.  Disney Crush is exactly what I have been asking the universe to give me.  And, by “Asking the universe to give me” I mean pouring over hundreds of profiles on dating websites and sending countless messages in search of someone with a heart just like hers.  She gets me, because she IS me in so many ways.  She had a rough home growing up, had to become an adult way too fast, she cries when she hears the Walt Disney opening day speech from Disneyland!  There might be twenty people in the world who do that… she and I are two of them.

It’s such a dichotomy to me, to have a person in my life who is seemingly ideal in so many ways, and yet, I am trying to extract the tiny amount of love I can from DW, the slave, and a potential newcomer whose purpose will be as a cuddle buddy.  All of those things together do not equal what I believe the value of Disney Crush would be, if I could just find a way to show her that a relationship with me would be of value to her.  And, that’s a prerequisite to me… I HAVE to be sure I can give something meaningful to someone.  That’s so much of what love is for me… a place to put my love where it can grow and thrive… someone I can invest my care and energy into.

More to follow, I’m sure

Probably meeting the slave this weekend… a very mixed set of feelings on that one.

Stepkiddo in town a few more days.

Much to tell in the near future.

Be well, my loves!


New Charac ter

It’s been awhile since I added a new player to the game. I think it is likely that this friend I have the crush on may become an important person for you to know about. I was going to nickname her Disney Princess, because she is a cast member at Disneyland… but my readers are sick and twisted, and those initials did not seem like a good idea. Let’s call her Disney Crush. Anyway, I chatted with DC last night, and am going to see her perform at what amounts to the employee talent show on Wednesday. ….Also, Stepkiddo arrives for a week and a half starting Thursday with a bonus appearance by my mother-in-law who will be staying with us. Joy of joys. 😛 I will probably be hiding out a lot.

Love you, people!

Dancing with myself

Know what I’m really great at?  Unrequited love.

Do you know me? Do you like me? Am I special or important to you?

Chances are, You’re even more special to me.  My relationships are seldom linear.  What I mean by that is, I am almost invariably WAY more attached to any given person than they are to me.  It’s that love-struck puppy dog thing I have referenced previously.  My evolving paradigm on the subject is not a matter of moving away from being a love-struck puppy.  I just think it’s about time I found it for myself.  I deserve to be loved like crazy… and I am going to find it.  …and, to those who remember ROS and GS… no, I do not plan to torpedo things this time… 😦


Be well, my loves!