Lunch

Things went really well at lunch!  I had babykiddo with me, so I had to split my attention between her and NRHSAHM (North Richland Hills stay-at-home mom)  I was able to invest enough attention to not make a complete ass of myself, and to determine that I like her a great deal.  I did not, however get to watch her closely enough to see if she was finding me appealing.

…More to come, I’m sure

Love ‘ya!

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I have fooled around long enough

Time to get writing.  Many changes, many adventures…much to share.

So, things with Mr. and Mrs. Blue Eyes have changed course and returned to the land of friendship.  I have recovered, for the most part, but that one kind of stung.  I had a lot of hope invested in those relationships.

I had a wonderful night last Saturday and got to meet one of my personal heroes.  She was giving a burlesque performance at a local bar. (Local in Texas can mean driving more than an hour.)  She and I have had an internet friendship for almost a year, but I had never met her in person.  The performance was terrific, but better still was the absolute VIP treatment I got.  She brought me backstage and sat with me in between sets.  I felt like the belle of the ball 😀  I’m always so flattered talking to her, because she seems to me to be such a strong, bold woman gleaming with beauty and talent… but, she seems to genuinely see the same in me.  It’s either an actual mutual admiration, or she is really good at blowing smoke.

I have been much more social and flirty of late, and that has led to some possibilities for new dating partners.  I am really not sure where any of this is headed, and I am doing my usual bit of letting the relationships go where they’re going to go.  It’s hard to say what the outcomes or timeframes are…but here’s the list of current key players…be they friendly or romantic.

I have a thriving friendship with a transman whom I initially contacted to see if he was interested in my old wardrobe.  He’s a real dear, and we have been doing what little can be done to help each other navigate the insanity of transition.  He has a husband (who is a very nice man that I need to get to know better), daughter (who is adorable) and girlfriend (who could be the seductress from a film noir)  We always find lots to talk about.  He is a stay-at-home dad, so there is ample fodder between that and transition.

Then there’s my penpal relationship…and, dating relationship-to-be (once she returns from vacation in late August)  She is sweet and bubbly and vibrant.  WAY too cute for the likes of me;)  She seems like a very real shot at love with abandon.  I hope so.  She is a few years younger…maybe that helps in not being jaded.  I don’t know.  But, I am pretty smitten.

I have a lunch (date?) tomorrow with a friend from the poly group whom I have been writing and texting with rather extensively.  She and I seem eerily on the same wavelength, and I am eager to see what that means for the relationship.  I am trying not to get my hopes up, because the direction of things is still unclear… but, she’s either going to be a terrific friend, or terrific person to date.

…beyond that, there are some sort of up-and-coming characters..

DW had a date with a very charming man last week, and he and his wife met us for dinner last night.  the conversation was wonderful, and of course being the lovesick puppy I am, I began to crush on the wife.  *sigh*  I will never learn, will I?

Another sweetheart of a lady I met at ‘poly dinner’ is on my radar.

and, I continue to converse with a handful of people on my dating site, though most of those dry up before they lead to a date.

With all of that in play, I really have no idea what the next weeks and months will hold… and to top it all, DW has an internal interview for a job in California!

…lots of things up in the air… I hope some of them begin to land, and blossom.

Be well, my loves!

More interested party

“The one who loves the least controls the relationship.”  -Robert Newton Anthony

I believe this statement.  …and, I feel that it is borne out by my experiences.

The problem with this is that, despite knowing the likely outcome, my default behavior is to love anyone and everyone until it is made absolutely clear that I shouldn’t.  I often compare my behavior to that of a puppy, eager to greet its owner at the door.  The puppy will likely continue to do this even if it knows the owner will kick it.

That is not to say that everyone I love kicks me.  My point is more about my silly utopian ideals of loving everyone. And, I love everyone on different levels… but I definitely invest myself strongly in other people.  This is where I get myself in trouble.  I position myself, invariably, as the more involved party.

I guess I’m just interested in having someone love me stupidly…. that would be a welcome thing. 🙂

Now What pt. 2

Anyway… so, that was Saturday.

Sunday morning, it all slid rapidly downhill.  Wife and I had a long hard talk about how I was feeling less womanly for not having had babies, and how I felt I had been beating myself up about a whole host of things that I felt inadequate about.  And, in our usual trying to translate from my way of speaking to hers, I was not feeling understood.

This went on, and I collapsed into a complete weepy mess.  I finally was able to put it in terms that seemed to register.  I felt as though I carried with me the debt of being less than she.  Like Jacob Marley with his chains.  Somehow, just saying that was very healing.  Also very important in that conversation was that she told me she thought I could have handled pregnancy and childbirth.   That meant a lot to me.

Sunday afternoon, I went off to see my awesome friend Strivingforpeace.  She and I had a lovely chat.  She let me work some tweezer magic for her, and we were off to the Ft Worth version of ‘Poly Dinner.’  This is an evolution of the same Poly Dinner where I first met wife, and many of my other friends.

I was really myself… unrestrained…unapologetic.  I was flirty, and fun, and affectionate.  Everything I had been so afraid to be in my previous incarnation.  It was a wonderful end to what might have otherwise been a really craptastic day.

This week: Thursday date with the BEs…. stay tuned! 🙂

Much love to you all!

Be well.

Lots of beginnings….now what?

A hush has (finally) fallen over the house of nonconformity.

Stepkiddo had bedtime drama….which woke Babykiddo.  ….twice

Wife is having a night out with friends 🙂

…and I am here with my latest batch of silly musings for your consideration.

The weekend was a very good one.

Friday saw me spending time with the before mentioned couple whom I am …dating, I hope…. Let’s begin calling them Mr. and Mrs. Blue Eyes.  So, Mr. BE and roommate, along with a couple of other friends, went to see a silly comedic play in Dallas.  Mrs. BE had a very busy week at work, and was just polishing off the last of her paperwork.  The play was a lot of fun, albeit not what I had thought of when making plans earlier in the week.  I did get to spend the latter part of Friday night with the BEs at their lovely home.  The conversation was deep and left some raw emotions, I think.  My fault entirely.  I could have engaged in flirty banter in the hopes that face-sucking would commence… but I cannot resist a good dilemma solving session. *facepalm*

I did get a good-night kiss from them both.  I enjoyed both thoroughly 🙂  I found myself with a sheepish grin after kissing Mr. BE, as I had never kissed a man before.  I like that he was my first… no matter where things go, I will be glad of the choice.

So, that was Friday. Saturday started REALLY rocky, but got much better.  Wife took Stepkiddo to see the final installment of Harry Potter in the morning.  I slept too late, and did not have a chance to look my best for Babykiddo’s first birthday party late in the afternoon.  I was having a full-blown anxiety attack over this fact, as well as some logistical failures, and the fact that I was going to have to spend time with some people around whom I am uncomfortable.

I found myself having resentments over the realization that the people I was uncomfortable with were all Wife’s invites. That fact played into a major meltdown that came later.

So, I got through the party much better than I feared.  Everyone behaved (mostly.)  I missed almost all of it in trying to keep everyone happy and fed, but that was as expected.

After the time at the restaurant, many of the party-goers joined us at a nearby park so the kiddos could run off some of the birthday cake induced sugar-high they were having.

The night concluded with Wife babysitting ours plus a four-year-old in order to let me and some friends go to the local gay watering hole.  I had a very good time getting out.  I really enjoyed the company I was in.  A dear friend of mine who is FtM, his husband, and their girlfriend (although that may not be their title for her…not sure)  We also had the good fortune of running into an acquaintance of mine, and her girlfriend.  …that a confusing enough cast of characters?

Anyway, we stayed until 1am or so, then I took them back to pick up their little one…and then on to grab late night dinner for Wife and I (at Del Taco, of course)  I was really flattered when the OH-SO-SEXY order-taker person recognized me from previous visits and flirted with me 🙂

This is running long… I am going to split it up, just for the hell of it.

Hitting stride

***This blog contains subject matter and language that may be disturbing to some readers.  Reader discretion is advised***

4am found me and wife…I need a catchy nickname for her… just settling down to sleep after yet another basically pointless conversation about how much it negatively affects me not to have carried a baby.  This is sort of what my mind does from time to time to shit all over otherwise good days.  I really don’t know why I haven’t found a smarter coping strategy than playing semantics into the wee hours… but this seems like the kind of silly thing I just can’t get enough of. *sigh*

Logic dictates that if you are an amputee, no one but another amputee can really empathize with your situation.  Why, then, do I enlist the understanding of a mother-of-two on matters of not being able to get pregnant? It’s pretty dumb….and I typically end up feeling worse for having tried it.

*side note… the next person who knocks on my door during nap time and wakes babykiddo gets a wet willy*

______________________________________________________________________

All of that said, yesterday was a really good day.  I got two major green lights. The first from wife (insert clever nickname here) was that I should get my social life ramped up to where I want it without fear of reprisal. (The fact is, fantasy novels and iPhone games are probably better suited to an introvert than my never-ending babbling anyway.)

More importantly, though, I had a very fruitful conversation with a couple I have been laying the groundwork with.  We have talked for a while now about dating and such, but I was really nervous to proceed without explicit invitation.

We had a very comprehensive discussion about wants/ likes/ fears/ insecurities….the whole spectrum of what might come up in the early stages…and beyond.  We are set to see each other again Friday.  For my part, I feel relieved to finally be able to act on months of crushing on them.  There’s a lot that’s both exciting and a bit nerve wracking.  For one thing, I have never dated a couple before.  I don’t think that’s just twice as complicated….it’s exponential.

On the side of success is that I really do like them both.  (This is not a taking one for the team situation)  Also, I actually think they are a good couple (Not secretly wondering if they see how ill-fit they are for one another.)

Individually they are each really awesome.  He is the first guy I have ever really been able to picture dating.  I have been fighting really hard my whole life to stay away from boys, for various reasons.  He makes me feel safe, though.  It’s a rare and special gift.  He is an amazing man… Kind, sensitive…. and, admittedly, pretty freaking yummy! 🙂

She is not as exotic to my conventional thinking.  In fact, she’s pretty much the whole checklist of what I look for.  Tenderhearted, unassuming…. gorgeous.  Yeah I lucked out 🙂

Anyway, more to follow on all of this, I’m sure.  Wish me luck!

Take care, my loves.  Be good to yourselves and one another 🙂

Quickie

Stepkiddo behaved at camp today!  Yes, that is blogworthy.

Had a splendid day of checking in with friends and catching up on some much-needed rest.  Sleep has not been easily come-by the last few weeks.  I have been having trouble with some feelings of rejection that seem to come over me as I try to go to bed… not been my most favorite thing.

I have been continuing to try to satisfy my need to be loved and accepted in ways that work better than those that have been failing me of late.  There is progress and hope on the horizon, but I’m not completely at the point I’d like just yet.

I think the next few weeks will see me posting more about dating adventures….but, for now I am working on building firm foundations for relationship success.  I really hope it pans out.  I have buckets of love to hand out, and I really hope the right recipient(s) become available… I could use a top off on my being-loved buckets.

More to come, I’m sure… be well, everybody!