The Reason Behind the Body Love Music Video

What an amazing lady!

Mary Lambert Sings


This blog post could also be appropriately titled:
I Just Ate A Chicken Patty By Itself While I Was Crying at YouTube Comments and It May Have Been A Little Bit Frozen: Tales from Lonely Los Angeles

Image I was devastated the day I found out Truffula trees weren’t real. Life is hard.

I’m in L.A. again! I’m here working on my record with the best humans in the music industry. Best, meaning music-wise, and also people-y-wise.
I’ve had the pleasure to spend time with Eric Rosse, Benny Cassette, and Mozella while we’re working on my upcoming album. I love them. I love them and writing music with them has never been more fun or important.
I was so scared to co-write; for a long time I believed the only way I could write music was if I was on a manic binge without sleep, chain-smoking in the kitchen…

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Leaves with a Whisper, Enters with a Bang

The end of 2013 finds me… well, distraught.

On the whole, it was a relatively good year. What has me in such an unsettled state is that everything in my life is moving. My basic observations of life include the idea that, if I have even one single stationary point to anchor myself to, I will feel secure. At present, I lack this.

That said: DW begins intensive therapy next week, The Keeper returns from time away with her loved ones, DW’s mom and elder daughter are in town, new social avenues are becoming available…. the list goes on and on.

In the long term, 2014 will likely see Princess Toddlerpants going to preschool. It may even be the case that I am able to go back to school myself. I will likely undergo surgery to correct a sinus issue which keeps me sick and short of breath…. In the extreme, I suppose it’s even possible that 2014 will be the year I complete my surgical transition.

The spring brings with it the chance that I may go to Yosemite. This will be a profound moment in the story of my year. I feel that I can do more healing and feeling and learning and connecting in that space than any other.

I’ve been hard at work living in my own head, readying myself for major changes which I still can’t predict. I can say that 2013 was about learning to be stronger, smarter, and indeed much more wise. Many of these lessons were hard to accept, and a long time coming. I have learned about the power of taking no action. I have learned about taking the right action at the right time. I know how to be a ferocious advocate for myself. I see myself as the matron, and I stand equal to the tests of a sage, and seasoned woman.

And, I can tell you that all of these things will be important very early in this new year. The least likely possible outcome for January is a lack of fundamental changes.

None of this, mind you, is about any resolution or such notion. It just so happens that the machinery which will drive 2014 is already warmed up.

There’s a lot that could be terrifying, and a lot that could go very very wrong. But, with every chance for disaster, there is a chance of triumph!

Come at me, changes! I’m ready for you!

Be well, my loves!

The Code of Lauren

Push up bra: I’ve got boobs, and I know how to use them.

Black bra: I like how I look.

Red bra: I am out for trouble… the fun kind of trouble.

Shaves everything: I think there’s a chance someone will touch me.

Shaves legs: Standard condition.

Doesn’t shave legs: I am deliberately taking sex off the table.

Hair parted at one o’clock: Normal condition.

Hair parted at two o’clock: KISS ME, I’M A HOMO!

Total confidence: I think we could fuck/ be friends.

Falling all over myself: Smitten kitten.




This Year

Whomever gets to date the 2014 model Lauren is in for a treat. My maturity and patience have improved, I no longer NEED to be in a relationship. I’m as attentive and affectionate as ever. I have a much better relationship with my body.
…I’m excited to see what happens.

Be well, my loves!
Love yourself and let yourself be loved

The Present, and the Future

There’s a lot that’s changed… and a lot that hasn’t.

DW is out on medical leave in order to make progress toward improving her Depression and Fibromyalgia symptoms.

The Keeper is going through an unnecessarily hard breakup with her Girlfriend.

I saw Mary Lambert for a second time.

I pondered sexual misconduct, and decided that I probably have some sharing to do with you.

Lots of social issues were fought over.

I skipped TDoR again.

I had a Twitter exchange with Janet Mock.

I made Facebook friends with an old friend of mine whose suicide attempt I became involved in undoing.

The flock of hot lesbians has met twice more.

I’ve gotten a few minor nibbles on the dating site, but nothing that materialized. Dating is less of a priority than simply being social in one capacity or another.

I’ve done a lot of flirting, and a lot of flirting has been done with me. I feel really good about what I have to offer in that regard. It does trouble me somewhat that I don’t have a romantic or physical relationship right now, in that, it’s the one thing I feel absolutely confident about.

I bought scandalous new clothes that make me look like a billboard for sex. I’m really falling in love with my body.

I dyed a rainbow into my hair.

I got Princess Toddlerface a second hand stroller to replace the one that disappeared from Disneyland. It is now customized to be purple with silver glitter.

I had a cancer scare. (I’m fine… benign cyst)

Those are the items for the quiz. I may fill in details, but I am back in a living my life phase, and sometimes that comes at the expense of writing about it.

Be well, my loves






‘A naked artist, looking at his balls nailed to the Kremlin pavement’

The Keeper gets Trans* Visibility Week rolling by linking the story of a performance artist, and his protest aimed at shining a light on Russian social issues. ***story depicts nudity and self-mutilation.***

This seems like the perfect way to enter into this important week.

I say that, not because the Moscow protest had to do with trans* issues, but that it is an illustration of just how much some people seem to understand the deadliness of silence.

For context, two transwomen, Melony Smith and Domonique Newbury were killed in Southern California over the last year. For a community this size, that’s a huge number! …and, both of them were ethnic minorities, which is a huge factor in one’s likelihood to be a victim of violence.

Political progress in places like Colorado and California has made issues of Trans* rights very visible, and so the opposition has become similarly visible. What that actually means is that there is progress, but it can certainly feel like a very scary additional microscope to suddenly be under.

So, that’s visibility… the purifying sunlight which serves as the vehicle for the survival of a group. This principle can be applied individually as well. Part of my growth and wellness require that I be open and honest about things like my mental state.

That came into sharp focus Thursday, when my months of trying to be “strong” and make it through life with an insufficient safety net exploded into an afternoon of getting desperately needed visibility from The Keeper.

I have moments like that. The one before this was in April. At that point, I just cried for an entire day and listened to Mary Lambert. Sometimes carrying one’s own weight is simply too much. What is important about that, is that we need to let people see that we hurt and struggle in order for them to help us bear the burden of such times.

For those living with depression, invisibility can be fatal.

Be honest with yourself about how things are really going. Find someone to trust, and share the complete truth. We aren’t meant to do this alone, and I hope you never feel that have to.

All my love.



*NSFW* Hey L.A., It’s Lauren. Can We Talk?

I was watching a YouTube clip from “Ellen” this morning in which this woman:

Robyn Lawley, who is either a size 12 or size 16, depending on whose account you’re reading said “I got called BIG, I got called HEFTY, it’s fine, I’m really confident and I love my body as it is.”

By the way, I’m trying to find an attribution for this image, but I can tell you it comes from an article for which the header reads “Would you look at me and say I’m fat?” And, I’m sure most reasonable people are reading this with the appropriate WTF-type reaction. Here is a woman who is exactly the average size for an adult woman in the U.S. having to ward off fat-shaming. Stupid Hollywood asshole media, right? RIGHT!

…except, I live in that world.

Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston is in the midst of studying why lesbians seem to have higher rates of obesity than their straight counterparts when the opposite is true of gay men. What interests me, beyond the broad conclusions that the study may or may not ultimately yield, is whether that paradigm holds true for Southern California, and other highly image-conscious localities. I definitely see how much gay male culture polices itself on things like fitness, but I would argue that lesbian culture around here is exactly the same way.

And, being thin is only the very beginning. We have to have the right relationships with cats, fresh local foods, and The Buddha. We have to work out, and do lots of yoga, and read lots of books, and be artistic, and linguistic, and work for social justice.

This is all cool stuff, but I am just not cool enough to even bother to write most of these people. (and, there’s no chance in Naraka that they’d ever write me.)

I just fed my kid microwave popcorn for lunch, for fuck’s sake! I’m hopeless!

The phrase that launched this post was one I read on a dating site this morning. The phrase was “Artisanal Hummus.” Artisanal hummus? Artisanal Hummus!

I mean, I’ve had artisanal hummus. I like artisanal hummus. I do! But, artisanal hummus came packaged in a profile which I have decided typifies an L.A. lesbian. I could have chosen a real outlier… someone who had several advanced degrees, or spoke five languages, or had single-handedly freed Tibet while keeping up a daily regimen of deadlifting a Prius filled with rescue dogs…. But I think this girl is a good view of what average looks like here.

The author, who looks to be about a size 4, discussed specific neighborhoods within L.A. that this person was looking to find someone in… okay, local is good. Who wants to drive all over?

Farmer’s Market asparagus was mentioned.

“Guerrilla peacefare,” to the extent that I understand what this entails, I’m all for that.

She works in holistic healthcare, and entertainment; and is leaning about orthomolecular medicine and wishes to do energy work.

She meditates and does yoga, and she sees these as undervalued in people’s lives. She seeks spiritual growth. She works out regularly.

I lifted this passage verbatim: “My focus this year is painting, freelance website design, creative writing – mentoring/co-writing on a few scripts (having a blast nerding out on Greek mythology, ancient religions/philosophies and witchcraft for research)….Regularly working towards manifestation of my future adventures….”

She is a gifted cook, a reader…discusses being like MacGyver in her ability to build Ikea bunkbeds by herself using pulleys and acrobatics.

She has an impressively precocious list of books, shows, music and food that she likes (mentions avoiding sugar/starch/complex carbs/gluten/corn/GMOs/non-organic foods) She also wants to ferment her own foods.

Kombucha (which I had to look up) is one of the six things she can’t live without.

She lists the specific exercise equipment she uses at home.

…and, I’m not even going to go into what she talks about wanting to find in someone.

Now, my point is not to say that I find this person unappealing. I think she’s fascinating! Many of the things she claims to be are things I’d be very interested in.

That being said, if I ever was able to secure a very captivating first date, I’m not sure that I think there’s a place for me in all of that living perfectly. I don’t need fixing, but I do need someone with the time and energy to care about me.

So, while it’s ever harder to find imperfect people like me, I will look as hard as I need to in order to find them.

Be well, my loves












Super quick men’s rights BS thing

This will not be today’s regular post, but this editorial made me feel icky.
Ok, so first off (big fucking surprise) an idiot misogynist wrote this. Immediately, that irritates me, because one of the prevailing problems with the MRM’s brain trust of douchebaggery is that, while they are happy to point out how often men are the victims of attitudes like this, THEY ARE ALSO THE PURVEYORS!

On a second level, am I the only one sick of hearing rape (statutory or otherwise) be classified based on how sexy the woman is in the story? I mean, we all know about the victim blaming around women who dare to dress some certain way, or whatever. As if to say, well, she looked hot, and any reasonable man would be completely unable to conduct himself as anything but a violent criminal.

But, here we have extended the same notion to the perpetrator: the woman’s attractiveness is the key to how ‘bad’ this is. Had the teacher been seen by the author as unattractive, would this then be rape?