New post forthcoming… watch for it!


Rachel Maddow

So, as mentioned, I got to go see Rachel Maddow Tuesday night. It truly was one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced.

To start, she is very likely the top of my celebrity OMG list. I’m really straining to think of anyone who would be a bigger deal… but, I think she’s it.

DW was nice enough to watch Babbykiddo for me… she was supposed to go, but there was a change in the time, and our sitter couldn’t make it that early.

I left casa de nonconformist at about 4:15 and arrived in Beverly Hills in time to find a parking lot and walk to the theater by 6:00. I hopped into what was probably already a line of a hundred or two people, and was immediately joined by a man and woman (presumably a couple) who appeared to be in their fifties, and a really cute 27-year-old lesbian on an extended visit from Germany. (Instant crush!)

The four of us talked from that point until the program began a bit after 8:00. What a delightful time I had! A great primer for the main event.

Finally, the first speaker came out… He did his obligatory bit: “Welcome to the theater….” Then came the event organizer: “This will be a great event…”

…and after they ate up the limelight to their hearts’ content, Rachel Maddow, accompanied by Bill Maher, took the stage to an enthusiastic and deeply affectionate standing ovation.

The format was essentially Bill Maher interviewing Rachel (Funny, I have no problem calling her by first name…but not him) about her book ‘Drift.’ The conversation was fascinating and thoughtful. Rachel seemed very accessible and normal… Moreso even than her TV persona. Anyway, the talk took us from the Vietnam war through the Reagan administration, looking at how the nation had crept in the direction of executive power over military operations.

Wonderful stuff, and I was loving getting my wonk on.

…but, really I was there for one reason and one alone: to meet Rachel Maddow!

After She finished with the Bill Maher segment, she took a few (self-indulgent) questions from the rabble, and then it was on to book-signing time.

I had the good fortune of being in the first group to get their books signed (my place in line had afforded me this… glad I got there early!) I had DW’s book and my own out to be signed, and I placed the ticket stubs in each book to be clear that I had not brought another book from outside (the tightly controlled signing portion was intimidating.)

As I stood in line, a very forceful voice boomed from right behind me “Step to your left, please!” Startled, I did as commanded, as did those nearby. The voice belonged to a security person who was escorting Rachel to the book table. I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Rachel Maddow!!! My inner fangirl went ten kinds of apeshit! ….but, I kept it together, remembering my Disney training: Do not draw attention to a celebrity, especially in a crowd… order would be completely lost. I tapped my sexy German friend, though. I at least wanted her to enjoy the moment with me.

I arrived at the signing table a few short minutes later, even more afraid about holding two books, having been intimidated by the security dude. But, no sooner than I go to set my books down then I am approached by a kind woman with long graying-blonde hair (whom I instantly recognize as Susan Mikula, Rachel’s partner) who said “Thank you for being honest.” -referencing the ticket stubs in the books. What a great first impression! SO in-line with my concept of the two of them. I did not want to point out Susan to everyone else, but I gave her a knowing smile that I think she grasped.

Anyway, I get up to the table, AND (I’m breathing shallow even thinking about it) THERE IS RACHEL MADDOW!!! The first thing out of my heroes mouth: “I’m sorry we kind-of pushed past you in line back there.” …and, I melt. What an amazing human being. The first thing out of her mouth…and Susan’s mouth, had been to show me kindness. I had difficulty hearing what Rachel’s next few words were, but at the end of our super-short interaction, I thanked her, with all the inflection that my voice, face, and body language could possibly affect, for the work she does. Showing genuine appreciation, she said “Aww, Thank you!” -nodding her head, and lowering her brow.

Leaving the table, I turned and was face-to-face with Bill Wolff, Executive Producer of Rachel’s show.  Feeling like he was fair game, I did acknowledge recognizing him, and I thanked him for the work he does as well.  He was appreciative.

Back on earth, I talked a little more with my German friend until I saw her safely in a cab, then returned to my car a block over. I took a moment on my walk to call DW and let her know that my phone was nearly dead, but that I was on my way.

I left happy.

Extremely happy.

Then I got home and emailed the sexy German….. because, really, if you were me….wouldn’t you? I told her about how wonderful a time I had, and how very nice it was to meet her. I gave her my complete contact information, as we had agreed that we would see a lot of each other during her visit!

I got an email in my inbox! Was it her reply?

NO. It was a failure notice…. the email address was not deliverable.

I have tried every permutation of the address I can think of, and I can’t make it work.

Alas, unless the couple, whose information I also got, are able to get in touch with her, I will not be playing tour guide barbie anytime soon.

I was worried at first that this would ruin the experience, but it really didn’t. I am disappointed, sure… but, that’s totally unrelated to the glory of that night.

Be well, my loves

Where I needed to get

I feel like the last week has moved me a significant distance.  You’ll recall that, just a week ago, I was dreaming of San Diego Breathtaker.  Hoping that she was the answer.  She wasn’t… or. maybe she was.  Maybe she was the right answer to the wrong question.  Maybe I was asking “Who is going to rescue me?” when I needed to be asking “Who will help me stop acting like this?”

I had a great chat with a dear friend, whose blog is sort of the mother of the one you’re reading, Strivingforpeace.  She articulated things which I knew, but still needed to hear…. in essence, that my overwrought and desperate need to be loved was the reason I was repelling anything that might have otherwise come my way.  I go through phases like that… and, I usually know I’m doing it.  I absolutely have a track record of self-sabotage.

What I didn’t have my finger on at that time, but seem to now, is that I had been compromising too much, even still.  It is true that none of my recent conquests were as ill-suited to an emotionally-driven me as DW is.  They have all been far better, in fact.  But, better isn’t enough.  I get really paranoid when I think someone might not like some part of me, and I go into saleswoman mode.  That’s what I’ve been doing… trying to sell myself like a whore to anyone who will listen.  In a way, I’m glad it hasn’t worked.  I say that, because if any of these people had ended up with me, they might not like what they bought…. and, I might not like it either.

There are a lot of things which have led me to understand this, but none so much as those in my last 24 hours.  In that time, I got several messages from new men wanting to be slaves to me; a message from one I’ve been talking to a while, saying he wanted to get together this weekend; Met an amazing lesbian at a Rachel Maddow book signing (more on that under separate cover) …and, began talking with a cute poly bi-girl on the web.

The contrast proved too stark not to notice:  Here I am, a dyed-in-the-organic-cotton-yarn lesbian, trying to pretzel myself so completely as to think I might derive some benefit from engaging in BDSM with men.  Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to be powerful over men.  It plays into some deeply-engrained feelings I have about female superiority.  But, that’s only good for so much… this will not make me feel special, this will not make me feel loved.

What’s messing with me on the subject of men is Mr. BE… I really could have seen a successful relationship with him, under the right circumstances, but he’s been the only one.  It’s never been about parts.  It’s about the ability to feel safe with this person.  Broadly speaking, men make me feel very unsafe.

But, I digress.  I’ve had a calm settle over me in the last day or two.  In chilling the F@*k out, I have started getting written to on the dating site again…almost as though they could smell the desperation, and stayed away.  I don’t actually have to hurry…and, I don’t have to make it work with anyone who will give me the time of day.  I am a VERY niche commodity, as I have said before, but not so much so that I cannot find a buyer.  And, even at that…. I already have an ill-fitting relationship.  Why go begging for another?

Be well, my loves… expect a full run-down on the event I attended last night which had me meeting my absolute biggest hero, Rachel Maddow.


The audacity… and perhaps, stupidity of hope

Well, my loves… I have gone and made a complete fool of myself.  I played my customary game of being far more attached than the other party, but this time I failed to notice the disparity.

SDB emailed me this evening and laid out that she had not had romantic intentions in meeting me.  Thus, at no point in all of my tripping all over myself whilst fawning over her did I have even the most remote cause to be doing so.

She explained that the difference seemed so broad that it was her wish to cease contact altogether, citing her fear that it might be hurtful.  I sent a cordial reply thanking her for the evening we had, and acknowledging her wish to cease contact.

So, I’m feeling completely embarrassed.  Mostly, though, it just hurts.  I gave this everything I had, and I just wonder how absolutely silly I must seem to her for having done so.

I wonder too, what the long-term effect of doing this over and over and over will be.  Is there a point at which I just decide that dreams are merely a youthful fallacy?  I hope not.  …That is, I think I hope not.  Becoming a pragmatist would likely hurt a lot less, but what’s the goal?  What would I ever be reaching for?  I have tried, and succeeded (out of necessity) in becoming at least reasonably self-sufficient in addressing my own emotional needs.  And, really, I hate it.

I want, perhaps most of all, to find that someone… that someone who will love me as hard as she can everyday.  I want to understand her implicitly and explicitly.  I want to give my heart to her without a second thought as to the safety of doing so.  I want her to be able to share my feelings literally and actually.  I KNOW this exists.  I have had it!

Yet, it is starting to seem more and more likely that I may not be so fortunate as to have it again.  The fact is, that finding someone to love a poly-trans-lesbian-married-incomeless-mom is probably just not feasible.  For, who could ever learn to love a beast?

I close this night defeated, but knowing that my naivety will stand me right back up to try to find love tomorrow.  Maybe it will be enough to know that someone out there might just want me, and maybe it won’t.  We are not, after all, guaranteed happiness… only the pursuit of it.

I will set about pursuing it more in the morning.  There is no rest for the lonely.

Am I stupid for having my heart broken by someone I met only once? …probably.  But I continue to want to be a dummy with a huge heart on my sleeve, and this is an expected outcome.

Do take care, my loves…. and, if you feel compelled to comment, please do so while showing respect for SDB… this is, after all, not her fault.

Be well


…..And, we’re live!

I put the blog back out onto the open market again today.  I continue to be of the belief that every person is entitled to their feelings.  I EXPLICITLY caution all of you that this is, in essence, a journal.  I am writing this to myself, and that is very much the ‘voice’ I use when writing.  I am aware that there is overlap between my readers and those I write about, and I will hope that those who find themselves in that position will bear in mind that nothing I write is intended to be seen as communication, per se.

I hope that you will (continue to) take this journey with me and share your feedback liberally.


Be well, my loves!



I am having difficulty coming up with anything to say, because I am far too busy twisting my trunk gleefully like a schoolgirl.

At long last, the real thing!  Not chasing something I will never get… not settling for some half-useful band-aid relationship.  I refer, of course, to my amazing first date with San Diego Breathtaker.  We had a lovely time at Disneyland, closing the park, then walked over to the Disneyland hotel where she bought me a drink.  That is a huge checkmark on my list of life accomplishments, by the way… to have a beautiful girl buy me a drink.

We talked until two in the morning before deciding it was important to get her on her way home.  (it is a very significant drive to San Diego.)

She was captivating to listen to, despite having real difficulty catching every word, as Disneyland can be a very loud place.  I think I had the broad construct of her personality right… She is at once clever and logical alongside being a starry-eyed dreamer.  We covered a whole litany of politics, and feminism, and LGBT issues… and on and on and on.  I absolutely could have talked to her all night.  She was terribly engaging, and gave great feedback to what I had to say.

I think the overarching concept is simply to say that it feels easy with her.  Everything flows naturally.  I like her just as she is, and she seems to like me, from what I can tell.

We stayed so late that the tram service had ceased.  A short walk to my car and I was able to drive her to the more distant lot where her car was.  I felt terribly for her near the end of the night.  She had adorable strappy heels on, which had served her well enough, but they were starting to hurt.  Her gait betrayed the brave face of her coping with it.

At any rate, I broke precedent, and told her about the blog and her being mentioned.  I think my purpose in doing that was to convey the importance she represented.

The thoughts are still swimming and chaotic, and I apologize for bouncing, but there was a funny dynamic throughout the evening as she occasionally adjusted her top… which drew my eye…only to make me concerned that she might think I was staring at her body…which is amazing!  I just hate to come off as shallow.

She and I have so very much to talk over in the days ahead.  Me being who I am, I want to have a big marathon of logistics and beliefs Q&A so as to fully understand what the expectations of me are going forward.  But, I just sort of trust this one.  I feel like if I just take up anchor, I will sail calm seas wherever the wind may take us.  I get the impression that those of you who have been following me lately have a sense of just how badly I needed this… if, for no other reason than just to begin to believe again.

I told her tonight that I want my happily ever after, whatever that might actually mean for me.  I had my faith in the fairy tale tested and worn down.  I hope and expect SDB will restore what these weary months have taken from me.

I am behaving in this budding relationship as I have behaved in any that have come to matter… I trust in it, I am not trying to force it or rush it, although I did get a little interested in testing the waters at the very end.  As we walked to the non-conformitymobile, I asked to hold her hand, which was lovely.  When we reached her car, we shared a hug.  I felt very unsure of myself at that moment, and wasn’t ready to hold her as long or close as my musing would have had it, but it was still nice and had that wonderful lightheaded feeling accompany it.

She paused before getting into her car to ask another question, whereupon I worked up the courage to ask for a kiss.  She obliged in the most gentle and tender way imaginable.  She proceeded to drop her chin and bat her eyelashes at me and, in that moment, she owned my every thought and dream.  I laughed at the power she seemed so ready to exercise over me,and again thanked her for a wonderful night.

For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I go to bed tonight wanting for nothing, and breathing the deep sigh of contentment that I have been begging for.

Be well, my loves


One day more

By this time tomorrow, I will be at Disneyland with San Diego Breathtaker.  I am more nervous than I have been about most dates in the past.  I really feel like this one is important.  With Disney Crush, you’ll recall, there was always an element of feeling pretty sure I’d land in friendship, but hoping for more anyway.  This is a full-blown date.  Granted, I have the concern in mind that I need to be ‘enough of a woman’ to be attractive to her.  She is the second ‘gold star’ I have dated, and the third lesbian.  I have to say… I have an especially fond place in my heart for those who identify as lesbians.  It’s not to say that I have anything against those identifying as bisexual.  The difference, to me, is that I know for sure that a lesbian who likes me likes someone they perceive as a woman.

About the courted:  She is the least tall person I will have dated, standing 4’11”  I don’t have strong feelings about this, but I do think it’s rather adorable to be such an unimposing figure.  …and, as to figure, hers is in the middle of the bull’s eye for ‘my type.’  She is soft and curvy.  …and, she has electric blue eyes which are criminally intoxicating… to the point where I actually believe it to be an unfair advantage.  She is at once a pragmatist coming into her own strength as a working woman, and a starry-eyed child-at-heart.  Her correspondence is filled with exclamation marks and smiley faces.

Something just feels different this time… I don’t feel like I am justifying or looking the other way about anything.  She is giving me the opportunity to make the case for myself, and I intend to argue it like Atticus Finch.  …Okay, maybe less grandiose.  …or maybe EXACTLY as grandiose!  I do have the HUGE advantage of taking her to Disneyland.  This affords me not only my own charm to draw from, but my extensive knowledge of a place she really likes.  And, it doubles as a really nice thing for my experience as well.  What better place to have a successful first date than the place I feel most at home?

In other news, DW and I had an entirely conflict-free day today!  That was awesome!

Also, my cuddle-buddy came over for a visit, and we ended up getting physical again.  I hope this is my last visit with her.  I say hope and not “I have decided” because I really only see her in a ‘break glass in case of being really lonely’ sort of circumstances.  I am not so foolish as to proclaim that I will never feel that way again.

My best to all of you… and, special thanks to my Texas buddies for not getting killed in the tornadoes this week!

Be well, my loves!