How Do You Solve a Problem Like a Dry Spell?

…or, “How The Keeper and USC Girl have ruined everything”

A couple of days ago, I got a message on the dating site saying that someone had selected me as a person of interest. I wrote her a pleasant note, which she replied to, and things were off to a fast start.

Already, I am feeling like this is too easy. I told DW last night “The new girl is not asking enough questions.” One example is that there was no conversation about my status after I came out to her. To my thinking, it makes sense to ask questions like “Is there anything that I need to be doing to be respectful of, or sensitive to that issue?” That didn’t happen. For all I know, she isn’t even aware of what trans* means.

…and, she’s never been with a girl.

She’s recently divorced, and is distinctly not looking for anything serious. I’m fine with that. It would take a lot to get me to be serious about anyone but the most exceptional people right now. Honestly, just being in the outer social orbits of USC Girl (whom I may begin to call ChattingAboutHeidegger… thoughts?) and The Keeper has my want for people of substance pretty well satisfied.

I just need some freaking contact! Sex would be magnificent, but just being held, and cuddled would fill a huge empty place in my life.

I can tell you that she is …um…very actively exploring her freedom as a single person. I have a couple of concerns for that, and they are health related.

so…there’s that.

And, while easy to talk to, she isn’t a person with whom I feel I can have particularly meaningful conversation.

So, what do you think? Meet her and hope for uncommitted fun time, or take a pass and wait for someone with more potential?

Help a girl out!



From the Archive: Why Are “The Gays” So Special Anyway?

Originally posted (elsewhere) December 12, 2010

I have found myself engaged in numerous conversations, of late, in which I have felt compelled to defend the idea that LGBTQIA+ suicides, and the bullying that often leads to them deserve special attention.

The fact is, all bullying is abhorrent. No matter the cause. This campaign simply attempts to shed light on one specific facet.

This country has a very short attention span. We seem to move on from one issue to the next without ever really solving them.

Being bullied for being an outsider has been addressed. Am I the only one who remembers the coverage after the Columbine High School tragedy?  Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 15 people and injured 24 others, purportedly as a result of being bullied.  There was great attention paid to bullying, and the ‘outsider’ status.  (I happened to catch a little bit of a break from being bullied in the immediate aftermath.)  The media attention focused on these teens as having been part of a small band of outsiders known as the ‘Trenchcoat Mafia.’

While we have no statistics on the incidence of suicide attempts among those wearing black trenchcoats to school, it has been shown (and I just went back and looked over my stats on this one) that LGBT youth (especially males, and those rejected by their parents say at least some of the numbers) Have a significantly elevated suicide risk. The numbers show differences of 300% to over 800% among the various demographics evaluated, as opposed to their non-LGBT counterparts.

Here’s the thing, though. As a member of the LGBT community myself, I think it is fair to say that many of us would be the first to stand up against the bullying of trenchcoat wearers. I would buy the tee shirt…attend the rally…call my elected representatives.

The bullying of any one minority is an offense against us all. Perhaps that is the real lesson. Call it Gay, call it Trenchcoat Mafia, call it Little Rock Nine. We all suffer when any one suffers. The idea of using our differences to divide is hardly a new one. But, rest assured…whatever the next group to be singled out is….I will be there to resist.

“They came first for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for me and by that time no one was left to speak up.”

-Martin Niemöller

Original Poetry: “I am All of These”

I love queer girls, because I don’t have to explain the appeal of a body and heart like one’s own

How it feels to come out and join our great, gay family, and yet…

To be disowned

to be a survivor, struggling with drawn claws to grasp the dignity which is afforded most without request

I love fat girls, because I don’t have to explain how much the world insists that we hide ourselves

how we vacillate between allowing and refusing to be policed by thinly-veiled bullshit rhetoric about health

that Loving myself is brave and subversive

to stand proud in my size 22 body, knowing that I would fuck me…  a lot

I love trans girls, because there is no one with a greater ability to deconstruct what being a woman really means

We will never birth babies.  Our forms may be forever odd and prolapsed, confusing partners and gawkers alike

But we know a different womanhood than those whose first bra came at 12 and not 30, We are fire-proven

to be radically unafraid, and say to that condemning delivery room doctor YOU ARE MISTAKEN

I love poly girls, because Hearts can be too big for one

We have great big arms, and great big tables, and great big listening ears

Our villages are warmly lit by the glow of generous giving

To refuse society’s fear, and give of ourselves as fully as we know how

I love nurturers, and counselors, andteachers andbestfriendsandsisters-in-armsandromanticsandcreativesandsillies, and those-for-whom-things-haven’t-been-easy, and 

AM   ALL   


Friday in My Pants, Vol.1 Ejaculation for Vagina-Owners

Wow! The first edition of Friday in My Pants, and I only got as far as the title before I had to make some language decisions. I will always try to use the most accurate and culturally sensitive vocabulary possible when dealing with matters of gender, sexual orientation, number of sexual partners, STI status, physical sex characteristics, gender history, etc. I absolutely want to be using language which anyone can read and not feel upset about. If my wording is in any way uncomfortable for you, I really hope you’ll reach out to me with an option you’d prefer.

With that out of the way, let’s set out on our first exploration: Ejaculation for vagina owners (with notes on parallel techniques for penis owners.) I will talk about the science, then the fun part!

The Science:
This is one of my favorite truths of human bodies: Almost all sex characteristics among those assigned male at birth have a corresponding part, and in many cases, a corresponding function to those of people assigned female at birth, and vice-versa. Bodies are much more similar than we typically consider them. In a lot of ways, this helps me feel better about my own (MtF) body.

I will likely get into some of the other similarities in future posts, but for now, let’s focus on the spongy, glandular tissue encircling the urethra. This structure and its potential function exist in those assigned male at birth and those assigned female at birth. (I was not able to find definitive information on this structure among people with various intersex conditions.)

In those assigned male at birth, we call this structure the prostate gland. During orgasm, fluid is secreted by this gland as a delivery medium for sperm. The tension and release sensations of this action are significant in the gratification of orgasm.

People assigned female at birth have this structure as well, and we call it the urethral sponge, or G spot. It is not well understood whether this glad itself, the adjacent Skene’s glands, or another location altogether is the source of the ejaculate in people assigned female at birth, but stimulation of the G spot is seen as the method for causing ejaculation. While ejaculate is expelled from the urethra (just as it is in those assigned male at birth), ejaculate is definitely not urine, and has very different chemical properties.

There is anecdotal information to indicate that post-operative transsexual women (MtF) are able to ejaculate as well. In (so many names exist for this, but I will go with) Gender Affirmation Surgery, the prostate gland is relocated along the anterior wall of the neo-vagina. (This places it in the location of the G spot in those assigned female at birth.)

Note: Bodies are beautiful, and what bodies do is beautiful. If you’re not sure whether you’re squeamish about this, you may find it useful to learn more about it, or simply choose another activity.

The Fun Part:
In addition to being a wonderful equalizer among differently-sexed bodies, ejaculation is probably my favorite way to give really intense orgasms to my partner(s).

*BONUS: This activity can work for people assigned male at birth by inserting fingers anally, and stimulating the prostate.

Here’s the How-to: As in the case of any sexual contact, it’s important to keep things safe and consensual. Rubber gloves can provide an effective barrier layer, if that is something you and your partner prefer. Additionally, I find that gloves can actually enhance the experience by providing a uniform surface texture which does not absorb lubrication like skin does. I happen to like texture of tattoo gloves like these:

This activity practically necessitates the use of a water-based lubricant (remember, silicone lube and barrier products don’t get along.) Even in the case of a partner who self-lubricates copiously, I would definitely suggest lube.

Protect the surface that the receptive partner is lying on with several towels, or a similar absorbent material. The amount of ejaculate can vary enormously. On the upper extreme, be ready for several cups of fluid…seriously.

Trust is always key, but it goes double if this is your partner’s first experience with ejaculation. It’s okay if it happens, and okay if it doesn’t.

Spend time making sure the receptive partner is relaxed and comfortable, and this is a must: The receptive partner should empty their bladder immediately before you begin.

Many people suggest that the penetrative partner should insert two fingers (index and middle) with the palm of the hand facing the ceiling (assuming the receptive partner is on their back.) This leaves the thumb free to stimulate the glans of the clitoris, if one is present. The typically suggested approach is to curl the inserted fingers in a “come here” motion stroking along the G spot (or prostate.)

(This paragraph only applies to receptive partners who are vagina owners.) I take a slightly different approach, which I have found produces stronger orgasms. I insert two fingers, and use my thumb to stimulate the clitoris, as in the typical method. But, I rotate my inserted fingers roughly 90 degrees and use the middle segment of my index finger to stroke the G spot. This does two things differently. It applies a larger, and more uniform surface against the G spot, and allows for additional stimulation using the finger tips along the Bartholin’s gland, located alongside the vaginal opening. Whether that has anything to do with it, I have no idea, but the 90 degree trick has been very successful for me with multiple partners, so take it for what it may or may not be worth.

Consistency is key. Try to use the same stroke over and over. As your partner gets closer to orgasm, it may be useful to go faster, but listen to what their body tells you. In those assigned female at birth, you will feel a distinct ‘grasping’ or tightening of the vagina as the body prepares to climax.

As orgasm nears, the receptive partner will likely feel a strong urge to pee. This is completely understandable, given the pressure of the fluids building up in their body, but be assured A. they will have just emptied their bladder, and B. it is absolutely normal and expected to feel this urgency when one is about to ejaculate.

The receptive partner should keep their body as relaxed as possible, and fight the impulse to clench and hold the fluid in. Likewise, it is not necessary to bear down and expel the fluid. An involuntary action of the body will release it at the time of orgasm.

When the receptive partner achieves orgasm, the best thing to do is probably nothing at all. Don’t withdraw your fingers, as this will change the pressure and may cut the orgasm short. Likewise, it is probably not necessary (or perhaps even possible) to continue to stroke.

A couple of things are possible at this point. Your partner may be completely finished and want nothing more than to bask in a great orgasm, or they may want to have another. While ejaculation does not seem to affect the refractory, or ‘reset’ period in those assigned female at birth (and even a very select few who are assigned male at birth) it is generally more taxing than an orgasm in which one does not ejaculate.

Take the opportunity after you’re all done (and the receptive partner has peed to minimize UTI risks) enjoy a moment being close to one another. The receptive partner will have been deluged with wonderful hormones like Oxytocin, and periods when this hormone is elevated can lead to profound bonding.

Whew! I feel like I need a cuddle after thinking through all of that.

Happy sex, my loves!

See you on Monday!


Here are a few great sex vlogs, if you’re in the mood 😉

Infighting in the Broader LGBTQIA+ Community

In April, I had a wonderful opportunity to attend a presentation by Erin Davies, whose documentary “Fagbug” sought to bring attention to acts of hate against gay people.

One of the points presented in the film is that some people within the gay community became upset with her methods and message. While certainly not a messiah among gays, Erin seems to be trying to do the best job she can. What else can one realistically ask?

…and, she is hardly the first entity to divide opinion within the group. The Mattachine Society, The Daughters of Bilitis, ACT UP… Indeed, the Stonewall Riots themselves were hotly debated within the community as to the ‘correctness’ of their message.

When I asked Ms. Davies why she thought there was so much strife over her activism, she pointed to the absence of a clear leader in the movement. Ellen Degeneres, she mentioned, was about the closest thing to a spokesperson the movement has.

No single person can be the exclusive representative of a movement. We look back on the legacy of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as being the definitive voice of the struggle for Africa-American civil rights. This is a very over-simplified perspective. Many in the black community had disagreements with the methods and messages of Dr. King, some of them quite impassioned. That said, it was obviously useful that the movement had Dr. King to lead, and serve as a media spokesperson.

Whether or not a leadership vacuum is to blame, it does seem absolutely ridiculous that we seem to have the energy to fight amongst ourselves. At the time of this post, only 14 US states, and the District of Columbia extend marriage rights to same-sex couples. (Hawaii and Illinois may be close to joining them.)

Marriage equality is an important cause, as is employment non-discrimination. In the case of the latter, the trans* community was arguably thrown under the bus by the Human Rights Campaign and then Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA) among others, by not supporting inclusion of gender identity protections in the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) The counter argument to this is that adding protections for gender identity was a “poison pill” which would ensure the defeat of any such legislation. One might even believe that there was the potential to set the trans* community back by inviting debate on a subject which enjoyed no popular support at the time.

Whatever the truth may be about all of this, it’s another prime example of the notion that we just can’t seem to present a unified movement. Even within any of the subsets of the LGBTQIA+ community, there is considerable disagreement on demands and tactics. While robust conversation is healthy and helpful to such causes, the vitriolic nature of LGBTQIA+ infighting is painful for me to witness.

Infighting in the Trans* Community

A few weeks back, Calpernia Addams, a prominent transgender activist, was talking about her difficulty with members of the trans* community as she attempted to cast a TV show featuring transgender people. It seems she was receiving emails and messages from people who wanted to make sure that her casting selections were composed entirely of transgender people who met some specific concept they had of what a transgender person should be seen as.

I remember well, when I was first transitioning, that some of the hardest people to cope with were other transwomen. For some members of the community, I was ‘doing it wrong.’ Really?  Doing it wrong? How do you juggle flaming chainsaws while blindfolded and riding a unicycle? Any way you can!

It wasn’t just early transition, this has happened to me even recently. I was at a housewarming party about six months ago in a mostly transgender crowd. Most of the ladies were extremely thoughtful to one another, and took efforts to build each other up. That said, there were a couple of my sisters who hadn’t gotten the memo to be nice.

One of the things a trans* person has to learn for themselves is which behaviors from their old identity are genuinely a part of who they are, and which parts they were having to embody in order to keep up the lie of being what people expect them to be. (Which is to say, which behaviors were just to prove their gender as assigned at birth.)

The ladies with whom I took issue (and, this is the first of several places where I will likely make angry comments happen) were still hanging on to the ugly competitive boasting which had likely been a centerpiece of their false male identities. This was absolutely something I had to do in my feeble attempts to be seen as male by my young peers.

I feel like I can hear you talking to your screen right now.

“But, cisgender women have ugly competitive behavior too.”

That’s definitely true, but I hope you’ll allow for the possibility that the two seem a somewhat distinct in my observation of their tone.

I do not know why people within this community, who are so marginalized, have the energy to both fight against the vicious discrimination that we face, and still have enough fight left to turn against one another.





A Flock of Hot Lesbians

Cheap stunt of a title to get views, yes.
…however, in this case, it’s also the legitimate subject of my post!

I had the good fortune of being invited to join a friend of mine at a nearby meet up put together by members of a Reddit group for lesbians. Something like ten people showed up, all of them terrific!

I will, say, I found it disappointing not to be able to hear more of what everyone was saying over the clamor of rowdy football fans. (We were at a sports bar.) Even with that, I was able to get a sense that I’d found something special in that group.

I get this feeling, when I suddenly find myself with a group of women after too long without. It’s not unlike coming up for air after staying underwater too long. I feel myself grab several deep breaths full of love and camaraderie before settling in and remembering how good the air that is sisterhood feels in my lungs.

To be completely forthcoming, and when am I anything else? There’s a lot more than sisterhood involved when it’s a pack of lesbians. There is a delicious sexual tension and flirty energy that abounds. I love this energy, and I had a wonderful dose of it today!

My hope is that this becomes a regular thing, and I feel like that was the consensus of the group as well.

I wish you all the very best of weeks!




On Sirens

Another fascinating talk with The Keeper tonight. (I should just hand the blog over to her.)

I finally feel like I have put my proverbial finger on a major reason (beyond the obvious liking her traits) that I feel so drawn to her. She is a hub. Remember Alice’s chart from The L Word? The people on here who had lots of connections, Shane, for instance, were called “hubs.”

Now, I do not pretend to know how many relationships The Keeper has had, nor do I necessarily assume it’s a lot. Really, that’s irrelevant to her status as a hub, because she is that girl that everyone develops a crush on. People treat her like a hub, and thus, it is so.

Now, I will gladly admit that I have absolutely not figured out dating in L.A. despite having grown up here. That said, I was definitely a hub during my years in Dallas. I don’t think this status is revocable once conferred. Feeling the ego surge of being desired like that… you never go back to wallflower status.

The few times I have had the privilege of a relationship with another hub, it’s always been electric! These relationships operate on a different plane. It’s as though the questions get stripped away… the doubts subside. You know the romance is going to be good, you know they can take your breath away with a glance, you know they are incredible lovers, and you know that they know these things about you. Hubs are good at relationships!

I want to take time out to dispel any perception that I am unduly boastful. I suck at a huge number of really critical things in my life. It just so happens that I am good at things that people find attractive. I am a good communicator. I’m genuinely interested in my partner’s wants and needs. I know how to use my body to full effect. I am a skilled and attentive lover. None of these should really be all that remarkable. In essence, this all boils down to “I give a shit.”

I don’t need to master some playbook of how to get women to come on to me. (What I actually need is to listen to myself when I have an intuitive sense that someone isn’t a great fit.) I think the last year has taught me that selectivity is worthwhile, and, that it isn’t important to date for the sake of dating.

Anyway, The Keeper has less free time than it would take to start a romance. (She has a lovely one already, on top of a very busy schedule.) I’m genuinely okay with that. We can throw wonderful sparks at each other without being in a relationship, per se. Will it be something I think about if her availability changes, I’d be foolish not to.

What I will not be doing, though, is my former trick of trying to compromise myself into a pretzel in order to have a relationship which is doomed by circumstance to fail. It’s a totally pointless exercise, and people will get hurt.

Keeper, I am not sure whether I hope you ever read this or not. One way or the other,

You are a magnificent person.

I have unspeakable amounts of fun acknowledging and exploring our excellent rapport with one another.

I see you for the powerful being you are.

Being around you (physically or metaphorically) reminds me of how powerful I am.

We have something great, which I really treasure.

My best advice for anybody is to just get out there and throw sparks with somebody. I can’t tell you what it will turn into, and that isn’t really the point.

The sparks ARE the point!

Love ‘ya!

I Know Girls

I woke up super-early this morning. Normally, I would turn over and enjoy the extra sleep.
But, I had a reply to yesterday’s blog. …and, it made me giddy! Seriously!

Why is a troll making me giddy?

Because this troll is providing the voice of countless hundreds of people who have spat at my right to exist, and this troll… THIS troll has shown me that I am now the elder.

I am now in that exalted place where I find my most favorite sisters: Mary Lambert, Meghan Tonjes, Adele, The Militant Baker, ZafdigTimes, FullFatMayo, Calpernia Addams, Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Ellen DeGeneres. That place which says “You are entitled not to like me, but this is who and what I am, and it was not made for you, and will not be broken by you.”

What’s great about our interaction, dear troll (if I sound arrogant, it’s because I am) is that I didn’t yet know I was the elder. I didn’t know that I was in this exalted place.

Do you know where the term “bullet proof” comes from? Armor makers, after the advent of powder weapons, used to shoot a bullet at the chestplate of their armor to demonstrate its strength. This left an impression in the metal. The mark was called the “bullet proof.”

My metal, apparently, is bullet proof… Until you came along and shot at it, though… I didn’t know that with certainty. This makes me feel very secure.

But, somewhere among my readers is a beautiful fat person who needs me to assume the mantle of elder, as so many have before me. By telling you that you do not get to tell me I am overreacting. My reaction will be as strong as I deem necessary, because, you know what? YOU are not the arbiter of what my reactions should be like.

You do not get to come here and say

Land Whale,

or Faggot,

or Tranny,

or Slut….

You don’t get to say that! (At least unanswered) Because, somewhere among my readers is a person like the one I used to be. A person who takes your words and turns them inward, and uses them to prove why they deserve to be hated. A person who has to physically harm their body in order to make tangible their incredible suffering.

I think what you’ve said is terrific: You don’t know me. …and, that’s the elephant in the room. You are so ready to talk about which bodies are acceptable and which are not, you didn’t even take that fleeting moment to consider what kind of body I have… what kind of bodies my readers have.

I have no interest in enforcing conformity. I think conformity often stifles the best parts of a person, but decency… Decency I will enforce.

Because that person, that dear, sweet fat girl I will never meet… I love her.
Like a sister
Like a daughter

…and you and your ilk can’t have her.