Wow! The first edition of Friday in My Pants, and I only got as far as the title before I had to make some language decisions. I will always try to use the most accurate and culturally sensitive vocabulary possible when dealing with matters of gender, sexual orientation, number of sexual partners, STI status, physical sex characteristics, gender history, etc. I absolutely want to be using language which anyone can read and not feel upset about. If my wording is in any way uncomfortable for you, I really hope you’ll reach out to me with an option you’d prefer.
With that out of the way, let’s set out on our first exploration: Ejaculation for vagina owners (with notes on parallel techniques for penis owners.) I will talk about the science, then the fun part!
This is one of my favorite truths of human bodies: Almost all sex characteristics among those assigned male at birth have a corresponding part, and in many cases, a corresponding function to those of people assigned female at birth, and vice-versa. Bodies are much more similar than we typically consider them. In a lot of ways, this helps me feel better about my own (MtF) body.
I will likely get into some of the other similarities in future posts, but for now, let’s focus on the spongy, glandular tissue encircling the urethra. This structure and its potential function exist in those assigned male at birth and those assigned female at birth. (I was not able to find definitive information on this structure among people with various intersex conditions.)
In those assigned male at birth, we call this structure the prostate gland. During orgasm, fluid is secreted by this gland as a delivery medium for sperm. The tension and release sensations of this action are significant in the gratification of orgasm.
People assigned female at birth have this structure as well, and we call it the urethral sponge, or G spot. It is not well understood whether this glad itself, the adjacent Skene’s glands, or another location altogether is the source of the ejaculate in people assigned female at birth, but stimulation of the G spot is seen as the method for causing ejaculation. While ejaculate is expelled from the urethra (just as it is in those assigned male at birth), ejaculate is definitely not urine, and has very different chemical properties.
There is anecdotal information to indicate that post-operative transsexual women (MtF) are able to ejaculate as well. In (so many names exist for this, but I will go with) Gender Affirmation Surgery, the prostate gland is relocated along the anterior wall of the neo-vagina. (This places it in the location of the G spot in those assigned female at birth.)
Note: Bodies are beautiful, and what bodies do is beautiful. If you’re not sure whether you’re squeamish about this, you may find it useful to learn more about it, or simply choose another activity.
The Fun Part:
In addition to being a wonderful equalizer among differently-sexed bodies, ejaculation is probably my favorite way to give really intense orgasms to my partner(s).
*BONUS: This activity can work for people assigned male at birth by inserting fingers anally, and stimulating the prostate.
Here’s the How-to: As in the case of any sexual contact, it’s important to keep things safe and consensual. Rubber gloves can provide an effective barrier layer, if that is something you and your partner prefer. Additionally, I find that gloves can actually enhance the experience by providing a uniform surface texture which does not absorb lubrication like skin does. I happen to like texture of tattoo gloves like these: http://unimaxsupply.com/md/1glov/mg1330phantom.htm
This activity practically necessitates the use of a water-based lubricant (remember, silicone lube and barrier products don’t get along.) Even in the case of a partner who self-lubricates copiously, I would definitely suggest lube.
Protect the surface that the receptive partner is lying on with several towels, or a similar absorbent material. The amount of ejaculate can vary enormously. On the upper extreme, be ready for several cups of fluid…seriously.
Trust is always key, but it goes double if this is your partner’s first experience with ejaculation. It’s okay if it happens, and okay if it doesn’t.
Spend time making sure the receptive partner is relaxed and comfortable, and this is a must: The receptive partner should empty their bladder immediately before you begin.
Many people suggest that the penetrative partner should insert two fingers (index and middle) with the palm of the hand facing the ceiling (assuming the receptive partner is on their back.) This leaves the thumb free to stimulate the glans of the clitoris, if one is present. The typically suggested approach is to curl the inserted fingers in a “come here” motion stroking along the G spot (or prostate.)
(This paragraph only applies to receptive partners who are vagina owners.) I take a slightly different approach, which I have found produces stronger orgasms. I insert two fingers, and use my thumb to stimulate the clitoris, as in the typical method. But, I rotate my inserted fingers roughly 90 degrees and use the middle segment of my index finger to stroke the G spot. This does two things differently. It applies a larger, and more uniform surface against the G spot, and allows for additional stimulation using the finger tips along the Bartholin’s gland, located alongside the vaginal opening. Whether that has anything to do with it, I have no idea, but the 90 degree trick has been very successful for me with multiple partners, so take it for what it may or may not be worth.
Consistency is key. Try to use the same stroke over and over. As your partner gets closer to orgasm, it may be useful to go faster, but listen to what their body tells you. In those assigned female at birth, you will feel a distinct ‘grasping’ or tightening of the vagina as the body prepares to climax.
As orgasm nears, the receptive partner will likely feel a strong urge to pee. This is completely understandable, given the pressure of the fluids building up in their body, but be assured A. they will have just emptied their bladder, and B. it is absolutely normal and expected to feel this urgency when one is about to ejaculate.
The receptive partner should keep their body as relaxed as possible, and fight the impulse to clench and hold the fluid in. Likewise, it is not necessary to bear down and expel the fluid. An involuntary action of the body will release it at the time of orgasm.
When the receptive partner achieves orgasm, the best thing to do is probably nothing at all. Don’t withdraw your fingers, as this will change the pressure and may cut the orgasm short. Likewise, it is probably not necessary (or perhaps even possible) to continue to stroke.
A couple of things are possible at this point. Your partner may be completely finished and want nothing more than to bask in a great orgasm, or they may want to have another. While ejaculation does not seem to affect the refractory, or ‘reset’ period in those assigned female at birth (and even a very select few who are assigned male at birth) it is generally more taxing than an orgasm in which one does not ejaculate.
Take the opportunity after you’re all done (and the receptive partner has peed to minimize UTI risks) enjoy a moment being close to one another. The receptive partner will have been deluged with wonderful hormones like Oxytocin, and periods when this hormone is elevated can lead to profound bonding.
Whew! I feel like I need a cuddle after thinking through all of that.
Happy sex, my loves!
See you on Monday!
Here are a few great sex vlogs, if you’re in the mood 😉