She loves me

She loves me, and that’s something.  I am glad of it.  I would like to have a partner who understood me and could make herself understood to me, but I have more than some.

That’s all

Sorry for the tease



I am neglecting you.

…And, from a therapeutic standpoint, neglecting myself.

I alluded to DW’s behavior with respect to my oral surgery, and I need to touch on that to catch you up.

So, during the last three weeks, there have been days of really unimaginable pain. I needed comfort and reassurance that things would be okay. I don’t feel like I got those in the way that would have made it better.

I reverted to behaviors I have used during other times of struggle, and burried myself in building something. (In this case, planters and benches for my deck.) I was my own rock. I resent that.

I’m so very ready to be able to bear weight outward again. I want to have a partner in coping. DW just isn’t that for me, and I have not replaced the group of friends I had in Texas with ones who are more local.

DW and I don’t seem to have what we had wished for. We are really more of a co-parenting, shared responsibility network. I love her completely, and she loves me… but, in neither case is it what the other needs or wants.

I had a wonderful night two weekends ago with a couple whom I am friends with. We went out to the Hollywood version of the monthly polyamory dinner group. After that concluded, I followed them back to where they were staying and enjoyed a night of physical and emotional intimacy that I had been absolutely starving for.

It was both a high and low point. I was so very pleased and satisfied with how things had gone, but I was also keenly aware of the disparity between feelings of closeness with the couple and the enormous distance between DW and I.

She and I spoke tonight about the issues (As we do several times a week ad nauseum.) I feel like there is a logical impasse in the fact that she is straight. It occurs to me that a woman can be a lot of things to a straight woman, but not a romantic partner. I still give all I have, and she says it’s enough (which I think is a true statement, but only based on her very limited understanding of her feelings and needs.) And, I know that I need to basically fend for myself. So, there is something of a double-standard.

At this point, my only hope for a love that makes sense to me is outside of my marriage. This makes me sad. I am always happy to see what love and joy await me in additional relationships, but this feels like a substitute rather than a supplement.

To that end, I have a huge crush on someone I met on OKC whom I have seen once. She has me strictly in the friend zone, I think…. Leave it to me to find another completely impossible situation, right? But she is a big giant beating heart, and that’s just what I think I need… so, we’ll see.

Additionally, I have a male slave courting me as someone he would like to serve. I haven’t played in a Domme space much…. And, I certainly have never played with a boy. This should be interesting. Perhaps, in my desperation, I will find something new and wonderful. At a minimum, it’s about f***ing time someone worshiped me. Lol

That’s all for now, my loves. Please take care of yourselves, and one another.


Oral surgery and beyond.

Alright, So I got us as far as Jan 26th….

Went to the general dentist, nightmare awake procedure, nitrous not supplied properly, anesthetic not applied properly.  Not only very traumatic, but also not done completely or correctly.  I find this out the next day, after spending the afternoon begging DW to kill me because I can’t cope with the pain, or emotional trauma.

DW gets a call on her cell the next morning… I am sitting next to her… It’s an oral surgeon calling to set up a corrective procedure.  Corrective procedure?  We have gotten a second opinion from another general dentist at this point, and a referral to an oral surgeon to take out the remaining two teeth when the time is right,, but this fellow is calling at the request of the first dentist to fix what she messed up.

…Panic, and then a hasty trip to the referral surgeon (not the one who called us) to figure out what the hell is gong on.  Apparently, there’s a lot of unfinished extracting to do. (This is Friday, Jan 27, btw.)  I have the surgeon do the corrective procedure as well as remove the remaining two under general anesthesia.

I am generally one to handle pain really well, but this isn’t like anything else I’ve experienced.  I am still in rough shape as I write.  I hope to be out of the woods soon.

I tell you all of this, not so much as a story unto itself, but more to paint the backdrop before the players take their marks.

So, over the last week and a half or so, DW has been around a lot trying to help out where she can.  And that, my friends, is where I will leave you in suspense until tomorrow….

Love you!


Three months? You’re killing me!

Alright, first to business… I’m really sorry not to have kept things up around here.  I’ve been living lots of life and collecting lots of blog-worth experience… but, have lacked the will to get it written down.

As with many of my posts, I have nothing ordinary or mediocre to report.  This blog should be called “All Things Great and Terrible.”

So, here we go, in no particular order.

I had my wisdom teeth out.  Perhaps not a big deal on the face of it, but I did things in grand Lauren style, and asked the dentist to completely fuck me up, so that I would have to turn it into a multi-day surgistravaganza and lots of complications.  That’s how I roll…. you ought to know that by now! 😉   Want the gory details?  Of course you do, and this girl serves them up hot.

So, about three weeks ago, I have this pain in my jaw.  It feels like I have a sinus infection, but the pain is intense.  It comes back for several days, and finally DW asks me if it might be dental.  Huh….yeah…. why did I not think of that?  It was definitely dental.  My left lower wisdom tooth was swollen and pissed off.  I went to the dentist finally resolute, and prepared to get this over with. (I should have done this years ago.)

Now, here’s me: the new and improved me; Strong, brave, responsible, not afraid of doctors… in short, behaving like an adult… finally!  First strike:  The dentist can’t do the extraction that day because I need to be on antibiotics first.  Well, that’s okay, I am a big girl, I can be patient and wait a few days.  I wait.

Thursday the 26th comes:  Day of the extraction.

–Continued soon… have to go to an unscheduled follow-up with my oral surgeon… seriously!–