Two is the loneliest number

The departure of VL has me in a tough spot.  I have been awoken from my emotional numbness which had been a useful tool in coping with the shortcomings of my relationship with DW.  In this way, things are significantly worse to cope with than they had been before the arrival of VL.

Tonight was the flash point.  I need someone who understands me on a VL-like level, or I am going to really start to fight with my situation.


Be well, my loves!



Betting against

So, VL and I have been texting a little since Sunday’s very strange and abrupt end.  To touch on that briefly, she was called Sunday afternoon about a fire at her apartment building in which there was damage to her unit, and her belongings.  She later texted me that she had too much of her own life to deal with, and only had time for her ex.

Said ex had been in contact with her constantly throughout the weekend, escalating to the point where she threatened self-harm in order to get attention.

Obviously, there is never going to be a place for me, as long as this persists, so I am pinning my last shred of hope on the notion that they cannot possibly last.  If I’m right, it means that VL will have stuck up for herself, and stopped the madness…. If not, I wouldn’t want to try again anyway.

VL, of course, is taking strong exception.  After all, who would want to be told that someone hopes for the end of their relationship?  I get the sense, though, that VL has to hide under a rock to avoid hearing it.  Apparently, her friends see what I see.  There is an adage, “The universe can’t be wrong.” that I think applies.

It’s hard to bet against someone.  At a minimum, it seems to make one a crappy friend.  That being said, though… aren’t the best friends those that will tell you what you NEED to hear even when you don’t WANT to hear it?  I have always found that to be so.

So, that’s the plan, as it is for now.  Let the ex drive her crazy whilst staying WAY out of it… and, take it from there.

Interestingly, I have a date this coming Sunday, which sort of fell conveniently together.

It would be nice if VL and I found our way back to one another, but I am not going to play dead in the mean time.  Who knows, something far better might just pop up!

Oh!  …DW had a date last night.  Seems to have gone very well.  She is not sure whether it’s a friendly thing or romantic thing, but she likes him one way or the other.  🙂

Be well, my loves!



Sitting alone in the living room….. again.  The last three weeks would have had me up laughing and smiling over the phone or video conference with VL.  We were up until 6am like clockwork almost every night.

Tonight’s about crying…. that miserable, lonely-girl, woe-is-me sort of crying.

Tonight, it’s back to the loneliness of life as I knew it before.

I’ve been thinking about her.  I thought about how screwed up it was how it all went wrong (story to follow another time)   Her Ex, the reason she broke up with me, emailed me to crow over her coup.  I replied with an email, essentially taking a back-handed high road by forgiving her for being a manipulative bitch.

But, that dear girl, VL.  She never had the chance to tell me she loved me.  I suspect she would have.  But, I sure as hell did love her!  I was really exploring what exactly I had fallen in love with… was it hope?  novelty?  ….No, it was really just about her.  …and this is going to hurt… a lot.

Last night, I fell asleep beside her.  I felt her skin against mine.  Her hair tickled my nose.  I had everything I wanted.

Tonight, I stay awake…  I’m back on earth, loving DW the best way I know how: leaving her the hell alone.  …and, let me be clear, DW loves me.  She has been great through all of this.  But, she doesn’t want my skin against hers.  She doesn’t want my face in her hair.  It’s not her kind of love.  So, I love her in her way.  …and I languish.

The last hour or two has seen me playing the game with myself that has VL seeing the truth, and running back to me as fast as she can.  I do think she will soon tire of the Ex’s mind games, but I somehow don’t feel like that will bring her back to me.  By calling the Ex out on her drama, I have made myself the enemy.

I’m sure another chance to date is somewhere on the horizon, but nobody can ever be VL.  She was singularly unique.  …and, I will always wonder, “What if?”

In a strange way, I am glad it hurts this much.  It means I wasn’t making it up.  I was/am in love with her.  Perhaps it’s at least nice to know that my heart still is able to do that.  Perhaps someday somebody will want it.

I march on.

Goodnight, Vegas Longshot.  I love you.

Be well, my loves!


Well, that happened.

This will be the short version of the story, because I don’t have it in me to go into detail presently.


This weekend I met, confessed my love to, was intimate with, and dumped via text by VL

I have no real analysis.

Not yet.

I hope you are all well, my loves.

Your ongoing support is appreciated.


So, here we are.

Under 36 hours to go.  I really hope things with VL go as I hope they will.  It would mean so much to me to feel like all this searching and trying to cling to hope had all been worth something.

If, for whatever reason, things go less well, it may be time to join the cynics.


Be well, my loves!





…And, the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true!

…This post was initiated May 11th…

So, I have been reflecting on the story of Serialnonconformist, a girl in search of the other half of her heart…  A girl who refused to give up on that one chance in a million that maybe, just maybe, love wasn’t just an illusion or a fable.  She struggled every day to find a meaningful connection.  She’s been sifting through, and sometimes being smashed around by the vast sea of wrong people….bad dates, bad timing, bad matches.  Over and over things looked like the answer, only to prove to be a mirage.

What she wanted more than all other things was to find a sign…. a sign that she wasn’t a fool… a sign that the princess would find her princess and they would live happily ever after!   And, my loves…. I hope, more than I think I have ever hoped before,that I have just gotten my ticket to the ball!!!  It comes in the form of our newest character, Vegas Longshot.A real doll who, out of some sort of curiosity messaged me on the dating site.

 In our earliest messages I told her I would never consider doing distance again…I had been hurt too much by it in the past.  But even as I wrote it, I knew I was only trying, and failing, to convince myself it was so…. Because that’s who I am.  I’m the girl who finds the horse with four broken legs, breaks open her piggy bank, and puts it all on the line.  I do this (surprisingly enough) not because I am an emotional masochist, but because it’s only bets like this that can ever pay the sort of return that I am looking for.
Was VL insane for writing me?  Of course!  But, that dear, sweet girl reached out to me with her very compatible profile (99% she would want you to know) and those big, doe eyes…. and, for fuck’s sake, her body …OH, her body.  And, of course, who am I to let a little four-plus-hour drive stand in the way of my ridiculous obsession with love?
So, we set about getting to know each other night, after night, after night.  The last time anything quite like this happened, my lovesick puppy of a self was hauling off to the #50 state on my list of states in which I’d like to live.  But, I made it clear to her, I really couldn’t move.  She understood (…and, made an offer to consider relocating, should it get that serious.)

A brief aside:
  I have been dying to get my nipples pierced.  This, despite the fact that my tissue is sore from growth, and my nipples are perpetually bruised from the pressure in my ducts.
TMI, I’m sure….but you wanted to read this silly blog, so you have no one to blame but yourself!  At any rate, DW has been encouraging me to go ahead with it.  My reason for not taking her up on it, as stated to her, is that it’s a social event.  I want to go with someone special who can make me feel safe…and probably get a little turned on by my wincing in agony.  So, in the most unusual glass-slipper moment in any fairy tale ever,  I found my princess!  …the one I wanted to take with me when they forced a needle through my already-battered boobitudes.
The more we talked (until 6 am each of the first three nights)  And, you can guess what’s happened since… after all, you know me by now.  I broke open my piggy bank.

So, she is planning a visit and I am already making preparations.  First, to get DW on board with all that I hope to happen.  The plan is that VL and I will spend our first few days and nights (probably never seeing the light of day) in a hotel.  This will give us a chance to try out our fledgling wings without the strain of outside concerns.  After that, VL will join us at La Casa de Nonconformista for roughly a week.  I am laughing as I type that, because I am not sure what a week will turn into, but I secretly hope this is the houseguest who never leaves.  (I guess not-so-secretly, as VL is a reader) ….which is against me hard learned cardinal rule of blogging.  I do dumb things when I’m crushing, leave me alone!
::This was what I put down on May 11th.  A new post will bring things into real time.::

Interest rates

…this is a post begun April 25th…


This week finds me contemplating the idea of interest… in both forms of the word.

DW took a business trip from Friday to Tuesday.  In that time, I didn’t have much contact with her.  This wasn’t due to any lack of wanting that, in fact, I was really working not to be THAT girl and bothering her.  It made me consider the following point:  If one partner shows significantly less interest, it can be very hard to ask them for anything.  This goes hand-in-hand with the post about less interested parties.