Unhappy routine

It’s become my pattern over.. well, years… to stay up into the wee hours of the morning just so as not to have to lie next to DW expecting to experience anything resembling affection. It makes me sad. I don’t want to be up. Goodness knows I desperately need the sleep. It just hurts less to miss out on much of the useful part of a night’s sleep than it does to feel like a bother in my own bed. I have very seriously contemplated taking up refuge in Babykiddo’s room from now on. I just don’t like the signal that sends: that I have given up. I suppose I have given up… I gave up on thinking I can ever really get what I need from this marriage. But, I feel endlessly driven to try to at least do what she needs… and so it goes, on this night, and most others… that I mindlessly check and re-check the same posts on Facebook until I can no longer bear the weight of my eyelids.

I keep trying to find that thing that will be impressive enough to make her really think I’m wonderful, and express that to me. Tonight, I tried to get her settled on a digital piano. Surely, a multi-hundred dollar gizmo would make her love me! Just like the iPad did… oh, wait. I barely got a polite “thank you” for that.

I am an idiot.

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She loves me

She loves me, and that’s something.  I am glad of it.  I would like to have a partner who understood me and could make herself understood to me, but I have more than some.

That’s all

Sorry for the tease

 

By Request II… Polyamory

I am cheating by pasting this essay in from previous work, but I think it largely satisfies the request for an overview of my views on polyamory.

Reflections on polyamory and non-monogamy

May 1

First, let me say, I believe there is a major verbiage problem in explaining open relationships. Namely, that the vocabulary surrounding such ideas is limited and limiting.

Here is a dictionary definition from Webster’s:
poly·am·ory
the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time

To me, the subjectivity of the phrase “Open romantic relationship” allows for a host of varying interpretations. Some people focus on sexual aspects.  Now, many of those people feel that they are strictly ‘swingers’ and not ‘poly.’ Others dismiss ‘swinging’ as somehow inferior because it lacks emotional depth. And, while I see the distinction at both ends (sex focused vs. romantic love focused) I am not sure that it’s really as binary as all that.  And, I certainly would not presume to say that one is better than the other. Because each couple has (or should have) a specific set of beliefs and limitations, there can be no true and absolute definition of what any given couple actually is.  My own needs are for emotional connections, whether sexual or not.

As I understand it, having an open relationship (some might call this dyad polyamory) is the way that most couples falling under this large tent of polyamory participate in it. In this type of open relationship, there is a nuclear relationship of two individuals. (A ‘primary’ relationship.)  Its members are free to engage in romantic, sexual, and even committed relationships with others. (Secondary relationships) They may also have relationships with people they see rarely or for a short time… or for some specific common interest. (Tertiary relationships)

As to my personal participation in polyamory, my beliefs are less arbitrarily structured, and more need-based. Natural balance is fairly easy to achieve here, as long as there is emotional honesty and cooperation.  When we focus our energy on getting everyone to where they need to be, it becomes far less important who gets there first.

I first began self-identifying as polyamorous a few years ago.  I had gone through one of many recent personal metamorphoses in the months leading up to that. I decided that my life was better served by conscious decisions than be simply subscribing to societal norms. Among the other choices I made during this period was the decision to set aside Christianity, and religion altogether. It was in the context of this period that I challenged my thoughts on societal roles on love and sex and monogamy, as they seemed closely tied to religious dogma. I undertook to understand the human as an animal. To strip away the cultural programming, and understand what it is that people do by nature, and by instinct.

I decided it was my assertion that humans are not necessarily meant to be monogamous.  They are certainly not in error to choose it, if that’s what works best… but, it’s no an absolute. Then came extensive discussions about the emotional impact of non-monogamy on relationships. I discovered that I might actually enjoy it if my partner were to engage in relationships with others.  (This has actually proven to be the source of great joy.) Over time, theory gave way to practice and it has become utterly clear to me that this is not only a lifestyle, but rather, an identity.  I have an unlimited amount of love to share, and an equally unlimited want to share it.  My only concern is that I not take on more than my time allows.  I want to be a good partner to those who choose to have me in their lives, and recognize that trying to be there for too many people at once means not being there for anyone.

The bottom line is this: nothing makes me happier than seeing my partner happy. …and, I am not so egocentric (or insecure) as to believe that I am the only person who can make that happen

So, here’s the deal…

Lots of things to update…this is going to be a very disjointed one, so I will try my best to make it user-friendly.

1. New girl contacted me.  She has been sick.  Communication still spotty, and I still have some concerns…. That being said, I have moved past thinking that whatever happens is due to my possible gaffe the other night with feeling self-conscious.  This is a good thing, and peace has been achieved here.

2. SCG has continued to be really good about communicating, and that makes me feel good.  Peace continues here.

3. DW did something amazing tonight!  She took BOLD steps to get the coping skills and other emotional tools whose absence seems to have been hindering our happiness.  Peace of a sort I was not sure I’d see is now happening here.

4. Mr. and Mrs. BE want to have dinner this week.  I am really looking forward to it.  They are awesome people and I am always glad to see them.  I did get honest with myself about the fact that I am not totally over them.  I don’t think that will affect anything about dinner, but to make me have to pretend not to be pouty.  While I still have work to do toward moving on, normalizing things and being social with them makes for peace here.

5. DWs car is again running after a dead battery incident a few days back…MAJOR peace here.

6. Anticipated monetary situation will allow for me to address the same issue affecting my car.  SO much peace here.

7. I have been very sought after in my social circles, including the dating-type ones.  Excitement and peace here.

 

In essence, I feel as though I am on the threshold of stability and grace.  Now to not trip over myself 😉

 

Be well, my loves

Muah!

More interested party

“The one who loves the least controls the relationship.”  -Robert Newton Anthony

I believe this statement.  …and, I feel that it is borne out by my experiences.

The problem with this is that, despite knowing the likely outcome, my default behavior is to love anyone and everyone until it is made absolutely clear that I shouldn’t.  I often compare my behavior to that of a puppy, eager to greet its owner at the door.  The puppy will likely continue to do this even if it knows the owner will kick it.

That is not to say that everyone I love kicks me.  My point is more about my silly utopian ideals of loving everyone. And, I love everyone on different levels… but I definitely invest myself strongly in other people.  This is where I get myself in trouble.  I position myself, invariably, as the more involved party.

I guess I’m just interested in having someone love me stupidly…. that would be a welcome thing. 🙂

Now What pt. 2

Anyway… so, that was Saturday.

Sunday morning, it all slid rapidly downhill.  Wife and I had a long hard talk about how I was feeling less womanly for not having had babies, and how I felt I had been beating myself up about a whole host of things that I felt inadequate about.  And, in our usual trying to translate from my way of speaking to hers, I was not feeling understood.

This went on, and I collapsed into a complete weepy mess.  I finally was able to put it in terms that seemed to register.  I felt as though I carried with me the debt of being less than she.  Like Jacob Marley with his chains.  Somehow, just saying that was very healing.  Also very important in that conversation was that she told me she thought I could have handled pregnancy and childbirth.   That meant a lot to me.

Sunday afternoon, I went off to see my awesome friend Strivingforpeace.  She and I had a lovely chat.  She let me work some tweezer magic for her, and we were off to the Ft Worth version of ‘Poly Dinner.’  This is an evolution of the same Poly Dinner where I first met wife, and many of my other friends.

I was really myself… unrestrained…unapologetic.  I was flirty, and fun, and affectionate.  Everything I had been so afraid to be in my previous incarnation.  It was a wonderful end to what might have otherwise been a really craptastic day.

This week: Thursday date with the BEs…. stay tuned! 🙂

Much love to you all!

Be well.

Lots of beginnings….now what?

A hush has (finally) fallen over the house of nonconformity.

Stepkiddo had bedtime drama….which woke Babykiddo.  ….twice

Wife is having a night out with friends 🙂

…and I am here with my latest batch of silly musings for your consideration.

The weekend was a very good one.

Friday saw me spending time with the before mentioned couple whom I am …dating, I hope…. Let’s begin calling them Mr. and Mrs. Blue Eyes.  So, Mr. BE and roommate, along with a couple of other friends, went to see a silly comedic play in Dallas.  Mrs. BE had a very busy week at work, and was just polishing off the last of her paperwork.  The play was a lot of fun, albeit not what I had thought of when making plans earlier in the week.  I did get to spend the latter part of Friday night with the BEs at their lovely home.  The conversation was deep and left some raw emotions, I think.  My fault entirely.  I could have engaged in flirty banter in the hopes that face-sucking would commence… but I cannot resist a good dilemma solving session. *facepalm*

I did get a good-night kiss from them both.  I enjoyed both thoroughly 🙂  I found myself with a sheepish grin after kissing Mr. BE, as I had never kissed a man before.  I like that he was my first… no matter where things go, I will be glad of the choice.

So, that was Friday. Saturday started REALLY rocky, but got much better.  Wife took Stepkiddo to see the final installment of Harry Potter in the morning.  I slept too late, and did not have a chance to look my best for Babykiddo’s first birthday party late in the afternoon.  I was having a full-blown anxiety attack over this fact, as well as some logistical failures, and the fact that I was going to have to spend time with some people around whom I am uncomfortable.

I found myself having resentments over the realization that the people I was uncomfortable with were all Wife’s invites. That fact played into a major meltdown that came later.

So, I got through the party much better than I feared.  Everyone behaved (mostly.)  I missed almost all of it in trying to keep everyone happy and fed, but that was as expected.

After the time at the restaurant, many of the party-goers joined us at a nearby park so the kiddos could run off some of the birthday cake induced sugar-high they were having.

The night concluded with Wife babysitting ours plus a four-year-old in order to let me and some friends go to the local gay watering hole.  I had a very good time getting out.  I really enjoyed the company I was in.  A dear friend of mine who is FtM, his husband, and their girlfriend (although that may not be their title for her…not sure)  We also had the good fortune of running into an acquaintance of mine, and her girlfriend.  …that a confusing enough cast of characters?

Anyway, we stayed until 1am or so, then I took them back to pick up their little one…and then on to grab late night dinner for Wife and I (at Del Taco, of course)  I was really flattered when the OH-SO-SEXY order-taker person recognized me from previous visits and flirted with me 🙂

This is running long… I am going to split it up, just for the hell of it.

Hitting stride

***This blog contains subject matter and language that may be disturbing to some readers.  Reader discretion is advised***

4am found me and wife…I need a catchy nickname for her… just settling down to sleep after yet another basically pointless conversation about how much it negatively affects me not to have carried a baby.  This is sort of what my mind does from time to time to shit all over otherwise good days.  I really don’t know why I haven’t found a smarter coping strategy than playing semantics into the wee hours… but this seems like the kind of silly thing I just can’t get enough of. *sigh*

Logic dictates that if you are an amputee, no one but another amputee can really empathize with your situation.  Why, then, do I enlist the understanding of a mother-of-two on matters of not being able to get pregnant? It’s pretty dumb….and I typically end up feeling worse for having tried it.

*side note… the next person who knocks on my door during nap time and wakes babykiddo gets a wet willy*

______________________________________________________________________

All of that said, yesterday was a really good day.  I got two major green lights. The first from wife (insert clever nickname here) was that I should get my social life ramped up to where I want it without fear of reprisal. (The fact is, fantasy novels and iPhone games are probably better suited to an introvert than my never-ending babbling anyway.)

More importantly, though, I had a very fruitful conversation with a couple I have been laying the groundwork with.  We have talked for a while now about dating and such, but I was really nervous to proceed without explicit invitation.

We had a very comprehensive discussion about wants/ likes/ fears/ insecurities….the whole spectrum of what might come up in the early stages…and beyond.  We are set to see each other again Friday.  For my part, I feel relieved to finally be able to act on months of crushing on them.  There’s a lot that’s both exciting and a bit nerve wracking.  For one thing, I have never dated a couple before.  I don’t think that’s just twice as complicated….it’s exponential.

On the side of success is that I really do like them both.  (This is not a taking one for the team situation)  Also, I actually think they are a good couple (Not secretly wondering if they see how ill-fit they are for one another.)

Individually they are each really awesome.  He is the first guy I have ever really been able to picture dating.  I have been fighting really hard my whole life to stay away from boys, for various reasons.  He makes me feel safe, though.  It’s a rare and special gift.  He is an amazing man… Kind, sensitive…. and, admittedly, pretty freaking yummy! 🙂

She is not as exotic to my conventional thinking.  In fact, she’s pretty much the whole checklist of what I look for.  Tenderhearted, unassuming…. gorgeous.  Yeah I lucked out 🙂

Anyway, more to follow on all of this, I’m sure.  Wish me luck!

Take care, my loves.  Be good to yourselves and one another 🙂

Into real time

So, here’s the task I have before me: take the last six months and capture them in a single entry (to the extent possible) so as to give the proper setting for the posts to follow.

I have been ‘en femme’ 24/7 for about five of the last six months.  My entire wardrobe is comprised of women’s clothing.  My hair, which had been kept extremely short (enough so to expose the scalp) is now falling over my ears.  My getting ready routine can be done in about an hour (unless I have to shave my body.) The wig never did feel natural to me, so I have just been working with what I could grow myself.  I have become quite good with makeup.  My voice has still not received enough of my attention, and is unchanged.

I was prescribed oral estrogen and have been taking it for about two weeks.  The changes began quickly.  I have noticed a pronounced softening of my skin and development of a layer of subcutaneous fat.  I am having lots of very elaborate dreams.  My mood, indeed my perception of life, is changing as well.  I am more calm and less hurried.  Frustration and anger, though infrequent previously, are now all but absent.  My content is more content, my satisfied more satisfied, my accomplished more accomplished, my worthiness more worthy.  On the downside, I am more given to feeling disappointed and sad (but I certainly prefer those to the frustration and anger they replace.)

Let’s see… what else?

Marriage is changing rather dramatically… not all to do with transition.  We are getting real about what we do well and what we do not.  We are focusing on the parts that work best.  I have needed to feel as though I am not betraying my marriage by not wanting to spend every waking second together.  That seems to be an accepted position.

Stepkiddo is with us two weeks a month through the summer.

Babykiddo is turning one on Sunday!

That’s all I’ve got for now… maybe you can help me see what’s missing… any questions?

 

Welcome, Lauren …originally posted Jan. 3, 2011

It’s been over a month since coming out as being transgendered.

…Things have moved fast since then.

Imagine being given a shopping spree in a store where all your deepest wants needs could suddenly be fulfilled.  …It’s quite overwhelming!  I have been granted the chance to live out the rest of my life as myself.

The changes can be most easily broken down into two categories:  Changes to how I think and feel; and changes to how I live my life.

The differences to how I think and feel are profound.  I have been feebly attempting to explain what being transgendered feels like.  There is the old standby “Being trapped in the wrong body”  and that fits, but there’s a lot that comes with that.  A person has to pretend to be the gender that they have been assigned.  I feel as though, for my whole life, I have been attempting to pass as a man.  I feel like an impostor.  I had a well-studied, well-developed character that I spent 30 years crafting.  When all was said and done, however…It was all an act.  It was positively exhausting!

I have always kept close female friends, and in their company, I have tried to show an understanding of the female condition, without giving myself away…. I wanted to know a lot, but not too much.  I was constantly using modifying statements like “But, what do I know?” to reflect a certain distance from personal knowledge.  Around men, I would puff myself up and try to fit the part.   The playground taught me that being a girl in a boy’s body meant I would be harmed.  I certainly was not ready to be found out.

…But I am ready now!  …and, that leads me to what I am changing about the way I live my life.

I have decided to un-trap myself.  I don’t have to pretend to be a man any more.  I am transitioning to life as a woman.  It’s a lot of work, but it’s far less than the everyday struggle of incongruity with myself. I have chosen the name Lauren, as it is a close fit to my old name, which I have really been honored to be called by up to this point.  Olivia, my new middle name, was DW’s suggestion.  I like the flow of the name, and I like that it sounds classy and sophisticated.

There are, of course, changes to appearance as well.  The most recent picture I have posted [on Facebook] was taken the first week in December.  At that point, I had just begun to wear makeup, and pluck my eyebrows.   I was attempting to just look like a ‘prettier’ man.  Most of this was simply in order to satisfy my long want to get to do the sorts of things I had been denying myself for fear that others would think it odd.

I am no longer trying to look like a prettier man.  I am allowing myself to look like the woman I am.

There is huge work in this transition.  There is a lot of hair to remove.  For my face especially, this means passing each square inch over and over in every conceivable direction, because makeup has a way of really pointing out stubble.  My skin is sometimes quite irritated by this.  I am also using chemical hair removers and will likely begin the arduous task of electrolysis soon. (We recently got a home kit for doing this.)  So, that’s hair..and there’s the makeup, the brows, the acrylics, the toenail polish, the switched-out wedding ring, the earrings, the wardrobe, the shoes, the prosthetics…yes, those prosthetics, the shapewear, the purse, and the wig.  At this point… it takes me up to two hours to get ready to go out.  My hope is that this can be streamlined down to about half of that, but still, it’s a considerable effort.

As I write this, I have not yet gone out presenting myself as a woman.  I have a wig from a costume shop that isn’t all that good.  I was proud of the work I did cutting and styling it, though…it started out as utter garbage.  The wig I have been waiting patiently for is to arrive this week.  (Perhaps as soon as tomorrow)  It is a much higher quality wig.  I am also waiting on a proper pair of prosthetics.  Right now I am just stuffing with upholstery foam.  I have seen the beginnings of what I will look like, and it makes me very happy.

I have an incredible, supportive wife who, though struggling with implications to our lives, has affirmed her continuing want to be in my life.  And, I have fantastic friends whose reactions range from completely unphased to full-blown cheerleader.

I love my life

I love the people in it

…and, perhaps for the first time… I REALLY love me