Writhing

Sitting alone in the living room….. again.  The last three weeks would have had me up laughing and smiling over the phone or video conference with VL.  We were up until 6am like clockwork almost every night.

Tonight’s about crying…. that miserable, lonely-girl, woe-is-me sort of crying.

Tonight, it’s back to the loneliness of life as I knew it before.

I’ve been thinking about her.  I thought about how screwed up it was how it all went wrong (story to follow another time)   Her Ex, the reason she broke up with me, emailed me to crow over her coup.  I replied with an email, essentially taking a back-handed high road by forgiving her for being a manipulative bitch.

But, that dear girl, VL.  She never had the chance to tell me she loved me.  I suspect she would have.  But, I sure as hell did love her!  I was really exploring what exactly I had fallen in love with… was it hope?  novelty?  ….No, it was really just about her.  …and this is going to hurt… a lot.

Last night, I fell asleep beside her.  I felt her skin against mine.  Her hair tickled my nose.  I had everything I wanted.

Tonight, I stay awake…  I’m back on earth, loving DW the best way I know how: leaving her the hell alone.  …and, let me be clear, DW loves me.  She has been great through all of this.  But, she doesn’t want my skin against hers.  She doesn’t want my face in her hair.  It’s not her kind of love.  So, I love her in her way.  …and I languish.

The last hour or two has seen me playing the game with myself that has VL seeing the truth, and running back to me as fast as she can.  I do think she will soon tire of the Ex’s mind games, but I somehow don’t feel like that will bring her back to me.  By calling the Ex out on her drama, I have made myself the enemy.

I’m sure another chance to date is somewhere on the horizon, but nobody can ever be VL.  She was singularly unique.  …and, I will always wonder, “What if?”

In a strange way, I am glad it hurts this much.  It means I wasn’t making it up.  I was/am in love with her.  Perhaps it’s at least nice to know that my heart still is able to do that.  Perhaps someday somebody will want it.

I march on.

Goodnight, Vegas Longshot.  I love you.

Be well, my loves!

MUAH!

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