The audacity… and perhaps, stupidity of hope

Well, my loves… I have gone and made a complete fool of myself.  I played my customary game of being far more attached than the other party, but this time I failed to notice the disparity.

SDB emailed me this evening and laid out that she had not had romantic intentions in meeting me.  Thus, at no point in all of my tripping all over myself whilst fawning over her did I have even the most remote cause to be doing so.

She explained that the difference seemed so broad that it was her wish to cease contact altogether, citing her fear that it might be hurtful.  I sent a cordial reply thanking her for the evening we had, and acknowledging her wish to cease contact.

So, I’m feeling completely embarrassed.  Mostly, though, it just hurts.  I gave this everything I had, and I just wonder how absolutely silly I must seem to her for having done so.

I wonder too, what the long-term effect of doing this over and over and over will be.  Is there a point at which I just decide that dreams are merely a youthful fallacy?  I hope not.  …That is, I think I hope not.  Becoming a pragmatist would likely hurt a lot less, but what’s the goal?  What would I ever be reaching for?  I have tried, and succeeded (out of necessity) in becoming at least reasonably self-sufficient in addressing my own emotional needs.  And, really, I hate it.

I want, perhaps most of all, to find that someone… that someone who will love me as hard as she can everyday.  I want to understand her implicitly and explicitly.  I want to give my heart to her without a second thought as to the safety of doing so.  I want her to be able to share my feelings literally and actually.  I KNOW this exists.  I have had it!

Yet, it is starting to seem more and more likely that I may not be so fortunate as to have it again.  The fact is, that finding someone to love a poly-trans-lesbian-married-incomeless-mom is probably just not feasible.  For, who could ever learn to love a beast?

I close this night defeated, but knowing that my naivety will stand me right back up to try to find love tomorrow.  Maybe it will be enough to know that someone out there might just want me, and maybe it won’t.  We are not, after all, guaranteed happiness… only the pursuit of it.

I will set about pursuing it more in the morning.  There is no rest for the lonely.

Am I stupid for having my heart broken by someone I met only once? …probably.  But I continue to want to be a dummy with a huge heart on my sleeve, and this is an expected outcome.

Do take care, my loves…. and, if you feel compelled to comment, please do so while showing respect for SDB… this is, after all, not her fault.

Be well



1 thought on “The audacity… and perhaps, stupidity of hope

  1. As I am getting further away from the event, I feel comfortable saying that I had specific discussions which made me believe that a dating relationship was the plan. While it has become clear that was not what the intention was, I believe it was an entirely reasonable take-away based on what was said.

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