So, I’ve been asking for a long time… as many of you have been reading about, to have someone in my life who was simply a giant beating heart. I fear that I was not specific enough in this request. What I should have said is that I want to meet this fairy-tale princess, and have her fall madly in love with me.
Disney Crush is exactly the Fairy-tale princess I was asking for, but she (understandably) doesn’t feel as though a poly relationship is a good fit for her. This is my pattern… to find these incredibly caring people, and fall head-over-heels for them only to find that the love is not shared. At least to say, it is not shared in the same form.
My dear departed best-friend was the best example of this. She was my dearest and closest friend, but she was also someone whom I was utterly in love with. I remember her asking me the day before my first wedding if I was ready to marry my first wife. Without skipping a beat, I replied “I can’t wait for you forever.” She knew I was in love with her.. she knew because I told her so. Our relationship changed significantly after I told her the truth. The incredible weight of aching to have her love me was lessened. She shot me down kindly, but unequivocally. In leaving no hope, we went about our relationship with sort of an understood stratification. She knew I was in love with her, and I knew she was not in love with me… and we both knew this wouldn’t change.
All this said, if it appears things were completely solved in simply acknowledging these truths, that is not accurate. It was agony. Thinking about her, talking to her, spending time with her… it was terrible! It felt like an elephant sitting on my chest, this longing… this emptiness. I knew that, if I could just figure out how to make her love me, it would be all that I needed to be happy. …That may not have actually been so, mind you, but it sure feels that way when you’re in love, doesn’t it?
So, that’s the parallel. Disney Crush is exactly what I have been asking the universe to give me. And, by “Asking the universe to give me” I mean pouring over hundreds of profiles on dating websites and sending countless messages in search of someone with a heart just like hers. She gets me, because she IS me in so many ways. She had a rough home growing up, had to become an adult way too fast, she cries when she hears the Walt Disney opening day speech from Disneyland! There might be twenty people in the world who do that… she and I are two of them.
It’s such a dichotomy to me, to have a person in my life who is seemingly ideal in so many ways, and yet, I am trying to extract the tiny amount of love I can from DW, the slave, and a potential newcomer whose purpose will be as a cuddle buddy. All of those things together do not equal what I believe the value of Disney Crush would be, if I could just find a way to show her that a relationship with me would be of value to her. And, that’s a prerequisite to me… I HAVE to be sure I can give something meaningful to someone. That’s so much of what love is for me… a place to put my love where it can grow and thrive… someone I can invest my care and energy into.
More to follow, I’m sure
Probably meeting the slave this weekend… a very mixed set of feelings on that one.
Stepkiddo in town a few more days.
Much to tell in the near future.
Be well, my loves!