…And, from a therapeutic standpoint, neglecting myself.
I alluded to DW’s behavior with respect to my oral surgery, and I need to touch on that to catch you up.
So, during the last three weeks, there have been days of really unimaginable pain. I needed comfort and reassurance that things would be okay. I don’t feel like I got those in the way that would have made it better.
I reverted to behaviors I have used during other times of struggle, and burried myself in building something. (In this case, planters and benches for my deck.) I was my own rock. I resent that.
I’m so very ready to be able to bear weight outward again. I want to have a partner in coping. DW just isn’t that for me, and I have not replaced the group of friends I had in Texas with ones who are more local.
DW and I don’t seem to have what we had wished for. We are really more of a co-parenting, shared responsibility network. I love her completely, and she loves me… but, in neither case is it what the other needs or wants.
I had a wonderful night two weekends ago with a couple whom I am friends with. We went out to the Hollywood version of the monthly polyamory dinner group. After that concluded, I followed them back to where they were staying and enjoyed a night of physical and emotional intimacy that I had been absolutely starving for.
It was both a high and low point. I was so very pleased and satisfied with how things had gone, but I was also keenly aware of the disparity between feelings of closeness with the couple and the enormous distance between DW and I.
She and I spoke tonight about the issues (As we do several times a week ad nauseum.) I feel like there is a logical impasse in the fact that she is straight. It occurs to me that a woman can be a lot of things to a straight woman, but not a romantic partner. I still give all I have, and she says it’s enough (which I think is a true statement, but only based on her very limited understanding of her feelings and needs.) And, I know that I need to basically fend for myself. So, there is something of a double-standard.
At this point, my only hope for a love that makes sense to me is outside of my marriage. This makes me sad. I am always happy to see what love and joy await me in additional relationships, but this feels like a substitute rather than a supplement.
To that end, I have a huge crush on someone I met on OKC whom I have seen once. She has me strictly in the friend zone, I think…. Leave it to me to find another completely impossible situation, right? But she is a big giant beating heart, and that’s just what I think I need… so, we’ll see.
Additionally, I have a male slave courting me as someone he would like to serve. I haven’t played in a Domme space much…. And, I certainly have never played with a boy. This should be interesting. Perhaps, in my desperation, I will find something new and wonderful. At a minimum, it’s about f***ing time someone worshiped me. Lol
That’s all for now, my loves. Please take care of yourselves, and one another.