I have noticed a gradual shift in my thinking of late. I think the most clear distinction…and perhaps, biggest domino to date, is my name change. I don’t have to think about which name to give anymore. I think you’d be surprised how often it is important to know your name in the course of everyday business, but for the last year, I have not known what name to give.
Now I give MY name. The only name that I am known by. Not a pseudonym, not a nickname….just my name.
Exploring how that feels made me realize just how many other huge changes have happened this year. I used to wear women’s clothing. Now I simply wear MY clothing. My first women’s shoes were bought online… then I went into Payless with DW standing guard and running interference…. Now, I openly shop for, and even try on clothes and shoes I wish to buy.
I used to wear makeup so that people would think I was a woman. Now I wear makeup because I like how I look with it on.
I used to take two hours to get ready to go anywhere. Today, I threw on my magenta ‘2fer’ shirt and shorts and went out without having shaven legs or face.
I don’t feel embarrassed, or feel the need to apologize for being something other than what people expect. I have a place in this world, and I do not have to be someone else in order to claim it.
Also, really sexy California girls are writing me. ….and, they LIKE me 🙂
I continue to feel like there are a huge number of people in this world whose lives I can’t imagine making it through… but, I also give myself credit. Not everyone could do what I am doing. I am proud of myself.
While I continue to be desperately in need of outside encouragement, I do feel like I am becoming a source of support for myself… not because I am alone, but because I have the strength to bear my own burdens.
Now, you can check with me tomorrow, and perhaps find me feeling very much in need of someone telling me I am worth something… but the pendulum is swinging less far that way each time it does.
I love you all!