…So, here it is 🙂
Remember when you were a kid, and you had a sand sifter? Several versions of this exist, but mine was a simple circular plastic pan with a perforated bottom. I liked this toy. there was a simple elegance to scooping up sand and watching it flow gracefully out revealing whatever pebbles or sea shells might be there. That’s not unlike life now. Lots of things pouring through the grate, yeilding the discovery of new things.
As previously mentioned, there was an abrupt end to things with GS. It has become apparent that this is a bigger deal than first thought. While I stand by my belief that it didn’t work, I have become very interested in why I decided to take such a strong stance on ending it. My M.O. is to let things show themselves to be problematic, rather than simply acting on the belief that such an eventuality is inevitable.
In the case of GS specifically, I have a level of fear of being hurt that clearly exceeds what it might typically be. She is young, and views relationships in the way that young people do (as do I.) I had concerns before dating her that her tendency toward being ‘direct’ in conversation might be a liability where my feelings were concerned. Time proved this concern had merit, and I id find myself being harmed by words which were not sensitive enough for my wishes.
We had a couple of instances of this, and got past them… but, the night before I decided to cut things off she made a comment about SCG not being sexy. This shifted some things. First off, I am much more tolerant of people hurting me than people hurting those close to me. I am very protective of those I love (in any fashion) and this was a very big deal to me.
The following morning, she wrote me with criticism of how I had characterized our relationship in the blog. She seemed to feel slighted. Already reeling from the criticism of SCG, I had had enough. I made the decision to cut it off right there and then. that was a little out of character for me, but things only went further from my pattern from there.
I generally have an outcome in mind when engaging in heavy conversation. In the case of a breakup, I generally keep the friendship outcome in mind. For whatever reason, though, I found myself back on my heels in this conversation. I was not able to be successful in maintaining the friendship. In fact, the more I was pursued and apologized to, the more frightened I became. I simply ran from the conversation, leaving no forwarding address.
I still cannot answer with any certainty my questions on why my behavior was so different this time. I think, to a certain degree, I am different. I am less likely to stay to long at the party. This is a result of too many times of playing fool me once, shame on you, fool me thirty times, shame on me 😛 So, there’s that… and it probably plays a part. And, of course, there’s the being protective of SCG thing. That plays a role too. But, what is the x-factor here? What was it about this turn of events that made me so able to freak out?
…Because GS was the first person to have a relationship with ME. Before, there was always the safety of the pseudonym… that old person who people saw, which was pretty close to me, but not quite. It was just enough of a barrier to be able to remain objective and calm in a breakup. GS saw me as a sexy girl, though. Not a sexy trans-girl, not a sexy self-assured weirdo. Just me.
I think that is the biggest component. I have never had to break up with someone who saw only the real me before. I realize now, there was a lot of fear in that. It is entirely likely that I now have this out of my system, as I now know to watch for it, but I feel badly for being less able to maintain the friendship as a result.
In addition to having negative feelings about the breakup itself, my handling of it has had a trickle-down effect to my relationship with SCG, and with a new character to the blog… she needs a name… She has a beautiful smile, kind, deep eyes, very attractive, huge heart… any ideas? She is a member of the poly community, and she and her husband have been dear friends of mine and DW’s for some time now.
In other news… Great weekend for being social. Have plans with a friend to go shopping tomorrow. Saturday afternoon, I am having lunch with a newcomer to the poly group. …and, PB has been in touch today 🙂
….and there is someone on OKCupid who reminds me a bit of Audra McDonald. (Now if I could just find an Ana Marie Cox look alike! lol)
Be well, my lovelies!